Facebook : Circular Notes I

The exclusive release of : 100 Truths

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Chinese Tea
2. last phone call = Alvin
3. last text message = Bernard: 'yup yup.. c me when u c me. haha'
4. last song you listened to = Unstoppable, Kat Deluna
5. last time you cried = Yes.. As long as I am watching one of my favorite (Romance) movie

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = No.. Don't believed in dating in the past.. But don't want to do it in the present
7. been cheated on = Yes.. I so gullible
8. kissed someone & regretted it = No.. I choose wisely
9. lost someone special = Yes.. No losses, no chance
10. been depressed = No.. just no
11. been drunk and threw up = No.. drunk = sleep

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Red
13. Blue
14. Orange

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend = Yes.. of course
16. Fallen out of love = No.. no love how to fall out of love?
17. Laughed until you cried = No.. unless if I am sadist enough to find H1N1 as a joke, then maybe
18. Met someone who changed you = No.. change me? I am pretty powerful with changes you know
19. Found out who your true friends were = Yes.. I am pretty fortunate year after year I think
20. Found out someone was talking about you = Always.. Good things, bad things.. mouths are never closed
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list = Yes.. Well.. nothing wrong with it right? Is there.. is there?

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = More than half. Other half is for FB games
24. Do you have any pets = No.. Not yet
25. Do you want to change your name = I don't want to, the only touchable is my middle name
26. What did you do for your last birthday = Celebrate lar.. Birthday is for celebration, then what? Commemoration meh?
27. What time did you wake up today = est. 7.30pm
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Dancing and chilling out in club
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = To get employed with the reasonable salary I want and the kind of boss I can stay and work until otherwise
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = To have the ability to spend whatever I want and not be rich
32. What are you listening to right now = Air-con blowing..
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = Yes.. Primary school mate
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = Nothing is something that can be everything, or nothing
35. Most visited webpage = Youtube
36. Where do you want to be right now = Snuggling in my bed
37. Nicknames = James, Jamesy, Jam Jam, Jame (? Sounds like singular of James)
38. Relationship Status = Single
39. Zodiac sign = Leo
40. Male or female? = Male
41. Elementary? = Mei Chin Primary School
42. Middle School = Queensway Secondary School
44. Hair color = Black
45. Long or short = Moderate
46. Height = 178/9
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = No.. Why no..? I don't know
48: What do you like about yourself? = Everything.. I love myself
49: Piercings = 1
50: Tattoos = 0
51. Righty or lefty= Right if it means Right-handed.. Both if it means Right-brained or right-brained

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = 0
53. First piercing = 2007
54. First best friend = Anson
55. First kiss = Victor
56. First vacation = Malaysia, Genting Highland
58. First crush = As before, no crush

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = Nothing
60. Drinking = Nothing
61. I'm about to = Finish this list up
62. Listening to = Nothing
63. Waiting for = MSN responses

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? = Maybe, maybe not
65. Get Married?= Yes
66. Career? = Businessman/Entrepreneur

WHICH IS BETTER
67. Lips or eyes = Lips
68. Hugs or kisses = Kisses
69. Shorter or taller= Shorter
70. Older or Younger = Neither..
71. Romantic or spontaneous = Romantic more
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Abs you mean?
73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive more
74. Hook-up or relationship = Neither.. for now
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Depends.. Hesitant more

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = Maybe.. do you consider stranger if you get to know him after that kiss?
77. Drank hard liquor = Yes.. All kinds of it
78. Lost glasses/contacts = No.. I don't wear glasses/contacts
79. Sex on first date = No.. Dating rule #1: No sex
80. Broken someone's heart = Yes.. sadly.. sorry
81. Had your own heart broken = Yes..
82. Been arrested = I am the one that arrests.. ;-)
83. Turned someone down = Yes.. full-stop
84. Cried when someone died = Yes.. then what? Laugh meh?
85. Fallen for a friend? = No. Big mistake.. No no..

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = Yes.. after 20 years old
87. Miracles = Yes.. but not overnight
88. Love at first sight = Yes.. but not on myself
89. Heaven = Yes.. but I prefer Hell
90. Santa Claus = No.. But Yes on Christmas.. wishfully thoughts
91. Kiss on the first date = No.. not deserving yet
92. Angels = Yes.. both good and bad

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than one bf/gf?= At the same time you mean? No.. Over the time.. Yes, one at a time
95. Did you sing today? = No.. I sucks at that
96. Ever cheated on somebody? = Yes?.. OMG!!!
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = That depends if will I be able to change things there then.. Cause if I will amend my existence, then I rather not go too far back.. =)
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = 31 December!!!
99. Are you afraid of falling in love with somebody else? = Yes.. if it means right now. Generally.. No
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = So true that it weights more than 1000 diamonds and their sons and daughter all add up together.

Semester 1/2009 Post-Exam

Woah.. Sure is shag to handle four different papers. Hmm.. What has just ended was a nightmare I remember.. It's Corporations Law. It's madness I say.. Even though it's an open book examination, even though it's a 3 hours paper, even though it's merely ten short questions and two structured questions, but, it's crazy de lor. Never did I stopped a second to reconsider on the things I have written and thinking time is in minutes..

Almost could I sing the 'what you waiting' song. Tick tock tick tock, the times up. Hands aching from all the busy flipping and scribbling. Havoc me. Hmm.. but glad all is over, finally over for now. Seemingly, it's hard to tell which of my classmate is confident of their grades and whose not.. but I am sure I am not one of those who is at the very least.

Been up for couple of nights consecutively now that I remember, the only thing that I ever wanted after the examination was rest, rest and more rest. Almost sounding like a swine, but more skinny and taller.. hehehe =D And that paper marks my last paper.. But that also marks the end of the most enjoyable semester I ever had till now. The kind of activeness and fun and less lonely semester.

What's going to be my next concern is none other than Semester 2 modules, the start of the cycle begins with an end. But that, I shall save it for the next time.

25th March 2009: Fitness First, My First

Nothing much happened seriously, but I just complaint that my Dragon Boat training has been giving me this post-training ache all around the whole of my back body, from the shoulder to the waist. They are like partly soaring ache and partly aching pain.. Really something you wouldn't feel comfortable to be with. And that it persisted right from the day of the last training till this Wednesday and I don't have anyone to show me the way to deal with it.

It is of course one way is to massage it.. Anyone, professional or not. Oh, and by the way, I don't visit massage parlor. Hmm.. Don't wish to be touched by anyone I am not familiar with I guess, and neither am I interested in the environment. Hmm.. And previously, I would ask my dad to do some back massage from my previous back ache, but then again, my dad wasn't around to do it for me this time. Looking around, it's only me and the four walls.. and my hands of course. Although possible, but then over the awkwardness of the arms, I rather not, and anyway, I won't get a good massage by rubbing my back with my own hands =/

Then my friend recommended me to go for a one-time free visit to the Fitness First Gym to drop by and try out their Balance class, can't really remember the name of the instructor though. Anyway, and so I considered and considered as I was as well, quite skeptical over expensive private gym centers. But then, I still did. Oh, and we (me and my friend and he is called Dominic by the way) went down to the Fitness First at The Cathay, and it was cool and we went for the Balance class.

It was really good, with music and moves that stretches and relaxes and cultivates balance to the practitioner. Motions and movements, stretching and twisting.. It did relieved tons of ache almost immediately after the session. And the session lasted for about an hour. And it's really amazing how all these could come in and aid my back aches and stuffs. It sure is one jolly good experience with paying a visit to one of the competitive private gym centers.

Oh and the remaining of the day is all about traveling down to Bukit Timah Shopping Centre and travel to evening class from a long bus route from Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. You see, days and days ago, my baby just doesn't respond to starting up right after nine updates were made to it, and just went completely dead right after I agreed to restart it. And the Service Centre is in none other than Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. But lucky to know that the moment I was there and showed my baby to the guy over the desk, he managed to salvage my baby and it's ok le! And I need to pay nothing for it... =D

But then it was all so troublesome to take bus 174 down to Hotel Rendezvous with at least an hour plus travel time and twenty plus minutes to thirty of waiting time. And nevertheless, I was late for class by twenty minutes =_= And the worst come after that, that after I reach the class, I didn't pretty much understand what is being taught in the class for that day and the class ended like an hour later with going through some tuitorial and like always, students with problems stay behind, and the rest can leave.. And that's about it. Pant pant..

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love XIII

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

But noone has ever thought that a stormy night usually comes after a calm night. Just when things compiled in itself, it just speaks for itself. That should be considered as a all auto-righteous way. Elvis made his move.. Elvis finally shifted his pawns and made his attack. In the whole event, Elvis managed to get popularity and acceptance so many more folds compared to Benji, and with that, he finally took his chance.

Actions to my interpretations: Elvis took the chance and effort to segregate my group of friends during the very one eventful outing to Sentosa. A huge group of people was around, people I was close to, people I wasn't close to, and people I may not know. Knowing that Benji wasn't popular and accepting to most, Elvis purposely put it across to divide all the people from me and Benji in hoping that he may felt left out and unwelcome and that he should feel ashamed and awkward. It was a success..

But who would understand it so? Probably it wasn't all so obvious. Neither was intention a visible entity all on its own. I fear of over-throwing Benji's position was just all so easy, as to the group of close friends I had, Benji was just someone no more than James' boyfriend. But lucky it was just a short moment then it would be calling a day, as to me, it was all intolerable, but yet, I can't just express it out plainly like that.

Chinese would have this saying, 'paper can never conceal fire'. It was lucky for me, that someone stood by my side knowing and observed all this in a form of witness. And that someone is none other then Shahul korkor. Hugs! From the day of outing, days later, one fine day, we met up and decided to go for supper, and to my astonishment, he brought up the topic so. I mean, back then, I was not so close to Shahul korkor yet and we didn't really have so much of one-to-one talk prior to that, and we finally did.

Shahul korkor brought up all his observations bits and pieces and with my side of story and bits and pieces, we compiled up. And finally, a second person I could share the fear and burden with. It sounded all so quick and uncontrollable that things just appeared and symptoms just appeared and it was all declared as beginning. Shahul and I had long chats and heart-to-heart conversations thereafter, then do I discovered that Shahul korkor is such a precious and talented gem.

In the same night, a roar-y rough night took it's place. After the supper, we were supposedly to buy the supper for Sabrina and Joash as well. Well, Sabrina and Joash as well as Elvis was at Joash's at the moment, so thought of good faith, we should. After the supper, Shahul and I planned to re-queue for the same stall to get fresh packs for them, but who knows, the next minute, Joash's SMS came hitting us like as though we were obliged for something or similar. I agreed it was late, but at the same time, we didn't expected them to wait starving for our supper.

And with all the aggression, we choose not to get them the supper, after all, Joash said no need to get any for them anymore. With all pleasure, we didn't. And since we didn't need to do anything after our supper, Shahul korkor and I so choose to seat down at my void deck and chat. With Elvis by Joash's and Sabrina's side, things couldn't get any better. With all the long chats at my void deck where Shahul korkor and I sat, there comes Elvis, Joash and Sabrina marched towards us fiercely. Not that I am afraid, but more like what's the problem.

Joash started rattling down at us, well, neither I nor Shahul felt was at wrong, it doesn't took us any form of effort to defend for our actions. But what seems to be the real problem was that in some way or another, none of those confrontations was over the supper but was with the bad-mouthing Elvis had over them before they were there. It was doubt, but was obvious later on so right of my guesses.

From Sabrina, comes ignorant and child-like talk whichever is in her mind. And whenever she speaks of anything, it was always so pure and random. Nothing of badness, just that she was the most easy to emotionally-controlled over and probably made use of by the people around her. Mentioning things like why did you quarrel? Go over and talk to Elvis. You should pick Elvis over Benji you know that? And a lot of controlled talk.

Of course, with Shahul korkor and mine's busy brain, it seems almost like a tag team brain gush jumping into defense. And Joash, obviously still ain't satisfied for us not getting Sabrina the supper, demanded that we should. Well, we did after that, to shut him up. That night, Sabrina was the biggest weapon of all just as her tears rolled down her face. But I choose not to give in to Elvis' manipulation of mind and facts. We stood. But there after, I have lay my mind that Elvis shall begone in my life after the night, no questions asked. Disappointed with mixed feelings, but nonetheless, if things had to end that way the people chosen, who is to deny?

~Fin~ (End of Season 1)

My Studies Progression

A new Trimester started: Trimester 1, 2009. Finally the usually long and not so packed time plan with the study loads I chose to take. This Trimester, I have of course chosen to take four modules as well. And it has by far, just started with this week. The study plan is pretty tightly placed side by side, but then, by the outline of it, it is just fine as it should be. Oh, talking about my this Trimester reminded me to speak of my Trimester 3 of last year. I am sure you will be very curious to know what kind of grade did I get for that right?

Well, it wasn't bad at all, it was not bad, just that it wasn't something that I had planned for at all. It was so called "sub-standard" grades all thanks to the unresponsive results of assignments and online tests. But good enough to not to retake the modules and delay my course plan, yup I scored Ps (Passes) and Cs (Credits) for my four modules in an even manner. And so, it wasn't so bad at the end of the day.

And so due to the exam results, I have decided to plan a pre-attempt to finish the required assignment to perfection and not last-minute preparation in order to earn more marks for my final results for this Trimester. And only after that that I would go out and get on with getting into a part-time job once again. And luckily for this time, I was given roughly four main assignments and one online test, and that one online test is for my Business Finance Module.

Good going and hoping for a smooth sailing as well. Having hiccups here and there doesn't mean that I shouldn't get on with whatever that is waiting for me in the future right.. Just got to learn and let things go. Oh, and for my this Trimester, I am so much happier.. I have found myself a friend to study Business Communication Module with and a very potent Barrister as my lecturer for my Corporation Law Module.

And curiously, for the past three Trimester that I took I seemed to be taught by these two lecturers for which ever I selected.. Miss Ricci Loh and Mr Harjinder. Very remarkable lecturers, but then, I just didn't know whats the problem lies in for me to under-perform under their supervision and guidance. But I guess the best modules that happens to also be quite a challenge (it basically means killer modules) are Audit and Taxation.

Oh and I think I do enjoy Business Communication very much. The lecturer is so chirpy and can present herself really well.. And the best part is, you are not required to learn a lot and remember and apply them. But more like learning in specific on how to totally deliver and present in multiple manners to multiple audiences and stuffs like that.. I think that's the kind of less brain, more interaction modules that I enjoy bah.

Edios for now, remember to come back and visit my blog often than not.. =D Have a nice weekday!

Last Day of Work...

Last day of work comes in many forms so does reasons to this end of work. Usually comes planned, but exceptions are that some are unplanned. And like usual, planned last day to work are usually noted with very big red circle by both the supervisor of the employee and the effected employee you see. And you see, the point being, I am not in this usual way of last day of work... And that pissed me quite a lot.

The Finance Manager governs my supervisor is this middle-aged woman with spectacles and dressed in some clothes and looks really Cantonese (I don't even know 'Cantonese' can be used this way...). She tried very hard to usually portrays that she is an understanding person and she has good command of management and such. And she tries even harder to make herself looks very courteous and kind towards employees under her and hardest when she tries to make her point over.

She would deem herself improvising kind of person, but I would deem her self-righteous. And the best part about her is that, her management is pretty messy actually. So messy that she thought she got things all under-controlled but then, when it comes to audit, she discover things don't turn out the way it should be. And she actually drove say some temporary staff working directly under her stressed and resigned within a month.

It was only lucky for me that she wasn't my direct supervisor, but some Assistant Accountant under her. Oh well, my job went past to her, not my supervisor anyway. It happened so that one day as she was talking to me and then we discussed about the working schedule and she wanted me to work for the last week of the month. And I was like, "Why would I be working by then? I mean, my contract date will already be by then ended..." and do you know what she says? She said something very unprofessionally to what I think.. "Then I would expect you to renew your contract."

That word.. That demanding tone of voice.. when through my spine like some irritants tickling my bones. So out and proud and expect and demanded so.. It's like, didn't you learned Business Law before? The purpose of contract and everything like terms? And did she even asked me what's my plan about my contract? She has totally disregarded me, completely misplaced my position like some non-living things.. Pissed is under-rated.

Anyway, I pointed out the fact that as an employer, it shouldn't happen so. She shouldn't have misunderstood my contract and lastly, claimed that why I didn't inform her that my contract ended before that.. Making a big fuss and said that she wasn't aware and stuffs and that I should have at least told her. I mean, personally and logically, would you go around telling everyone "Hey, my last day is end of this month ley.." I wouldn't at least.. It definitely one thing will affect the working motivation and morals of the around staffs. And second, it's not a proud thing about the last day of work.

Anyway, days later, she just bring forward my termination five days earlier from expected.. unexpectedly. I would assume that this is an act of frustration and pissed that she doesn't know about my contract end date and stuffs and so just did me off. Oh well, anyway, it's that how Singapore society sees temporary contract and part-time staffs right? Like dirt. The highest workloads, us.. The highest benefits, them.. The highly-paid them.. The lowly-seen us.. =X Tsk tsk tsk

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love XII

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

... Harsh it was, situational wise as well as behaviour wise. I was clamed just like a sandwich people would say. Neither I nor Elvis stepped back, we all just remained as where we stood. But love don't just develope and go away. It stays and lingers and sometimes even evolve into something stronger. Especially when there's still visible ray of light somewhere shining in someone's direction, hope of getting it is just thought to be not so far from reach, but yet not so near as touched as well.

Days later, Elvis SMS me to go down to my void deck, saying that he wanted to see me and pass me something. Wasn't really in the mood for anything, definitely not into quarrel as well. But I still did. He suddenly just passed me a handphone, N73, said that it's a gift from him. I didn't wanted to accept that and found all ways to reject such an expensive gift. Nonetheless, all else fails and I took the handphone.

I wasn't a very materialistic person. A functional phone is all I needed, and usually is enought to get me to use it. And he took loans and got me such a nice and new model handphone then. Both appreciated, but it comes with feeling closer on my nerves. I mean, both I and him wasn't like born into rich family when we got a bigger budget to work on, and he was still serving his National Service, so where do he got such a load to pay the loan!

Anyway, then was definitely not the kind of time I lecture him over buying me things. He got everything planned out, from where to get the casing to protect the handphone to where to make a new SIM card so that it could support 3G function. And everything seem to tone down every since then. No excessive calling from Elvis checking where was I, what was I doing, when am I free.. Just occassionaly contact, I thought things finally calmed down a bit after my return from the mourning. Finally could I take a breather from all the crushings of emotions.

Things seemed more spacious thereafter, but then, was this what Elvis wanted? To me it should all just stayed that way and nothing will get better or worst if so, but no. Elvis finally felt that this wasn't the way he wanted. He wanted the same old closeness that he still demanded from me. Closeness which he couldn't live without. But then, he knew deep inside himself, that he choosed for the situation that he was in then and he choosed to stay in the picture even if he shouldn't have. He grew haywired out of his interest.

For one, he wanted me to be happy and doesn't wanted me to be in such a dilemma and difficult position. Yes, this was as well, one of the aspects of him that I admired, understanding. But then again, he wanted the kind of love and attention and demand of a boyfriend, which he could never ask for and do never receive. But then, days still went on. And we did a lot of things together even as not being together. We enjoyed each and everytime we spent with each other's presence around.

Movies, to DVDs, dining out, supper, shopping, hanging out, seating down and chat, meeting friends, etc.. All so fun and comfortable! And one of such enjoyable activities I would remember was going down to West Coast MacDonald and spent the time there with Elvis, Joash and Shahul korkor. Nothing more then just seating down there with drinks and some snacks and chat. Bitch around if you have to, but generally, just feel the easy and free atmosphere it has just as seating around a group of friends.

And one fine such visits, an unplanned trip, we managed to went there for a few times now. We thought and chatted just when Joash mentioned something about Sentosa. When you are young, nothing really stops you other than transport in Singapore. And very unplannedly as well, we all decided to make a trip down to Sentosa's beach for it's night scenery and some quiet time there. Wow, it never felt so good. Then Joash's mum, Sabrina, was there. And everything seems so beautiful..

Tanjung beach it was that we went. The sky was clear with little blinking stars and soft splashing waves. The starry night marked a very memorable night just as time passed us by, but we weren't bothered by it anyway. Which was also the some random night that nothing crosses my mind to bother me at all. A very short night it was, and we all proceed home thereafter, slowly sending one by one home.

But noone has ever thought that a stormy night usually comes after a calm night. Just when things compiled in itself, it just speaks for itself. That should be considered as a all auto-righteous way. Elvis made his move.. Elvis finally shifted his pawns and made his attack. In the whole event, Elvis managed to get popularity and acceptance so many more folds compared to Benji, and with that, he finally took his chance. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Work for Full 2 Weeks

Somehow or another, working part-time ain't as easy as it seems. It seems to only matters what you can do during your work and the brain processing to measure it's difficulty. Last week, since my exam lied on the middle two weeks, I got to work the first and the last week of the month for full two weeks. Didn't get a chance to rest much even though it's two weeks of none working.. Well, explainable right? Cause I was doing my exam revision.

And now, here I am taking on another full week of work. And the things are required to do seemed pretty new as I seemed to be not doing a specific department's focus, but rather, general. But when it comes to a department, I am recognized as that of in the Accounts. Do basic Accounts required.. Oh, and at the same time, learned few tactics about analyzing information and data. Putting years of data for some guy to make sense out of and make decision on. Cool!

And finally, I am proud to say that I have used AccPac before.. Some stupid Accounting software that is ERP versioned and my manager was like so proud of it, when I personally feel that it is more giving the user more work than making the work if Accounts easier. Comparing this with my previous company's Accounting software: QuickBook Pro.. I would think that QuickBook Pro is so much easier to use and the control and everything is better.

Oh well, probably they just want to feel proud saying that they are using AccPac ERP version. Oh and they use god damn lots of softwares.. They also used Hyperion and CubeBox or something. It's like, "Com'on! IT softwares are meant to lighten work, enhance performance and make things easier.." and they are like killing themselves with so many different platforms to use and follow. Hmm.. Probably they will need a lot of synchronising at the end of the day.

Work never been easy, but if humans put their minds into it, yes, work can get so much easier. The only undiversifiable work will be manual need of work such as keying data and doing paper documentation. And probably red tapes are included too.. But when it comes to process, seriously, technology is the key.. Or is it.. =)

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love XI

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

And this is when problems arise, when things changes, that when things that used to be done just stopped getting done. I detests something like that. And for that, I have more reasons to learn to be more independent. So that it would not add excessive weightage to the partner, and more importantly to the love, at the end of the day. And I finally learned that I do not appreciate short-term showing of love and care, I appreciate consistency of love and care. And my night (or day) for that day ended so.

Getting busy with my things from time to time just makes my day so relaxed and easy. Well, but since Elvis confessions, my mind has been overworked. Logical me doesn't always produce reasons and doesn't always have an answer. When under-pressure, my mind ticked just the way wheels and axles do. Work endlessly, but not smartly. One side was someone whom doesn't have charisma, doesn't know how to do things, react to things and present himself, but love me and give me a lot of attention so much so that I was never alone.

And the other, someone I felt so close to, so individual and so comfortable speaking to, hearing from and be with, that loves me but isn't someone I am with. But only comes out after I am attached, and wants my attention and most of all, be with me. By not regretting the decisions I had made, I thought, probably Elvis would learn that it is impossible to be with me and love me like couples do and would eventually fall back on someone who loves him more than his love for me and fall for the guy.

And for me, I thought, as for Benji, I loved him not because of his looks nor his ability to love, but for the fact that he is completely sincere and was so fully contributive to the relationship, I should give him more chances to pull both of us closer as boyfriend. A lot of things I could have easily done with my capabilities and ability, but thought would be nice to let my partner do it for me. And for this, we would grow to live and behave like what couples would, and learn of each other ways in the time to come.

Elvis did not chose let go eventually, it grew in him to be even more hopeful then ever to be with me in hoping Benji and I would break off. Some situation I personally would label it as possession over love. This, this, this thing called hopeful was the lesser evil that kept Elvis motivated on the idea of being with me. And it did. And it all seemed so clear after we had a confrontation later in September. What was I thinking and what was his stand was all in a mess.. And Elvis grew to suffer, and I grew more and more used to the feeling of suffer.

If you were thinking how to see the worst side of human character, probably this would be one of the most prominent way. To see how people dig their own grave and stand in their own stake of interest, and feel for themselves thinking that 'look, you are wrong, this should be the way!' After that, I went into silence. Don't see any point in arguing. Don't see any meaning in defending anymore. It was all seen and felt that way, the way that it shouldn't be, but it did.

In the same month days and days later, one day out of the blues, I woke up from the flustering phoning conversation I heard from the living room, it's my mother. Trying to jot down contacts and numbers and locations and dates and calling people, etc. I crawled out of my bed like always. And to my shock, my grandmother has passed away... she was my mother's mother who was living in Malaysia back then. With us not having by her side, and now that she was at her death bed, no wonder my mum panicked that badly.

I was in a state of blankness. Didn't know what to do, neither do I know what I could do. But one thing for sure, we must all get ready to make a trip down to Malaysia in the short period after gotten to know the news. SMSed Elvis saying that I won't be in Singapore for days which I didn't know the length as well, neither do I know which day and time exactly do my family make the trip down. And in the midst of all uncertainty, Elvis extended his help saying why not he drive us there..

In the request, two things crossed my mind, first, my family was having a hard time now, why do he want to make my family felt bad for something extra. And second was that, I SMSed is to inform, not to request for aid. Arrangements were best made by my parents, example, how to get down, when to get down, etc. And on top of that, who is this Elvis guy who should drive us there? But nonetheless, deeply, I would appreciate the thoughts, but nothing more. Of course, a lot of other things crossed my mind back then, and things such as how doting my grandmother was when she was around me.

... Harsh it was, situational wise as well as behaviour wise. I was clamed just like a sandwich people would say. Neither I nor Elvis stepped back, we all just remained as where we stood. But love don't just develope and go away. It stays and lingers and sometimes even evolve into something stronger. Especially when there's still visible ray of light somewhere shining in someone's direction, hope of getting it is just thought to be not so far from reach, but yet not so near as touched as well. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Philosophy: Hate... Love

Oh, here's one I tripped upon that I like:

"It is better to be hated for what you are then to be loved for what your not"
Quote from Hiba Bashir in MineKey

And think about it. It can be used in a lot of situations and everyday life examples. And that all drives down to simply be yourself, responsible for what you do, and similarly. I find it very well applicable for me, and I hope it for you as well.

Like for one, would you rather be loved for someone you are not, or be not loved for being someone you are.. That can really bring a hell of a long story with this Philosophy as one that I did adopt in Love. And that should also be probably explaining 25% of my second relationship's problem I think about. Is that, you know, usually during the initial part of a relationship, things are usually smooth under a lot of "fake" smoke ups..

So called "fake" smoke ups are like a form of delusions which cannot be totally trusted of. Things went smooth due to so many unestablished "credits" such as giving in acts, problems ain't surface that early nature, communication peaks, effort and energy sources at priorities, etc etc. And why do I personally would label them all as "fake" smoke ups are because they are not a normal situational based. They are by effort caused to behave so.

Sounds like I am making it sound complicated, but it is actually not. If you look and observe, and you can see that smoothness in operation of a relationship will operate at it's very peak due to the pool of effort it gathers from the couple. But as the whole thing grew longer, it is very high upkeep and maintainence to keep maintain it at that level. The energy and effort slowly diverse out due to a lot of factors such as no problems arise so don't need to spend so much effort on it, and love is secured and some other more factors.

The diversification of efforts and energies will reach to a point of manageable and sufficient in order to supply attention and energy to both the relationship and every other necessary involved such as work, play, friends, studies, personal, etc. And that this effort in comparison with the earlier period to be lesser but more constant. That would be the energy that is so called not pretentious and natural. Upkeep is kept to the very minimal and that is at the point of "you are" when previously at "you are not".

Well, my second relationship work out just like the above illustrated norm. But this nature has an ambiguous ending which is non-predictable, and that determines how the relationship is going to be. Like for instance we can come out with a few possibilities:

1. The relationship maintained on and on and on until both of them dies. So called this "lasting love" and in the process, things are so smooth, clam and unexciting. No one rock the "boat" and the couple enjoyed every moment they had.
2. The relationship went on and on until one of them decided to even withdraw the maintaining effort and distribute it to other activities (e.g. work, play, friends, etc). And the imbalance of effort pulls tightly the relationship which the tension is obliviously felt by the couple. Either the effort is to be covered up by the other partner, or the partner that withdrew the effort reinstate the effort, or the relationship end. Nature is unintentional.
   
3. The relationship went on and on until one of them just withdraw the maintaining effort and distribute it to other activities (specifically forming a new relationship). And the imbalance of effort pulls tightly the relationship which the tension is obliviously felt by the couple, waiting for the relationship to end. Nature is intentional.

The first possibility is obviously not what I had experienced in my second relationship, in fact, is the third. Which of course, the utmost "what you are" is looking at you as one person. And the rest, leave it up to your imagination...

Post-Examination: 2008 Trimester 3

Holly crap, finally it's all over.. Finally now I can call it a 2009 for the real time.. Finally I can take a really really deep breathe and say, 'so long 2008!'. My sleepless nights, and brain-drained days have finally come to some end and am going to celebrate it with lots of sleep (well-deserved ones) be it the grades that is going to come out in weeks more time to be good or bad. I missed the touch of my bed badly. Hugs~

The papers tormented me with multiple-choice questions, short-answer questions as well as structured questions and finally I can rest my eyes without the need to give any answers of any sorts now. But then again, recapping the whole exam thingy is kind of bad. I wasn't really that well prepared for some of the paper after all and one of those expected to perform slightly below averaged was Management. Reason: I didn't have any classes to attend, thus relaxed on my revision.

And the next not-so well prepared ones are none other than Business Law. Dang, and only until my paper do I understand that my lecturer was kind of crapped the application of principles up. My revision was quite minimal and yet this minimal revision was with the information my lecturer was focusing on a lot with the classes. I am sure most of my classmates would agreed that the application of Law was somehow or another being mistaken for.

Hmm.. initially I thought, Business Law should be compared to the rest, slightly easier (at least for me) due to the understanding that I don't need to memorize facts, just need to know where to get those available information and how to apply them. Usually the memory part would deal me great deal of trouble, due to one part of my human flaws: forgetfulness.

Well, other then the above two mentioned modules, my Economics Principles were not bad. But just not that perfect that's all. All the required information was a spot-on and the answering was quite smooth, just didn't got the chance to remember some information left and right, and thus, wasted some critical argument point and marks around and about.

And not to forget about the last not mentioned modules being Fundamentals of Finance. God.. I sure did slipped another few lots of important points and some definitive stuffs. Overall a ok. Hmm, just did a bit of regret that I didn't check my Yahoo Mail earlier before I prepare for the exam. As the focus given by the unit chair have left out something, she decided to compensate us by revealing the one question that was told to left out in the preparation of exam. Well, and if I did check my Yahoo Mail, then I would have so called picked up 'free given marks' le. Sadly, no.

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love X

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

But then, deep in my mind, I suppose, a new form of omen has started to show it's way. What's in Elvis's mind about me? What was sleeping beside me all about? Wild thoughts, unfruitful thinking occupied my mind from time to time whenever it was empty for a short period of time. An another weekend later, I agreed to be with Benji. Although there was still a lot of holes to fill in order for the relationship to turn frutiful and functional, but thinking that if it was Benji's true self to give in to me, to do all that for me in love, all would turn out well eventually.

It was an open announcement, probably in a form of blows to the people that lay interest on me, and good news to my friends that showered love and care for me. But nonetheless, whatever that I used to live my life with, with clubbing and friends, with knowing new friends through internet and meeting up from time to time with my own friends, will stay. Nothing much changed, except that now, I live my life as attached and not single, and there is one more person to consider when I make any decisions.

Elvis, on the other hand, was still my friend. But strangely, after knowing the news that I was attached, he grew anxious and all worked up. Soon, words so true came out from his mouth just so smoothly one fine day (or night rather). Telling me that he found out that he do harbor feelings for me, and regretted to tell me so before I made my decision with Benji that very night we planted our hopes and got attached. Elvis felt that he grew to love me very soon after he got to know me and days later he got to know more about me.

And more, Elvis was the emotional and sentimental kind of guy that would learned to cherish romantic and meaningful love stories and put all his heart and soul in enjoying the story, even though it may be fictitious. And he shared this fiction with me: Feng Yan Feng Yu. It was all written in Chinese characters and some even with all the complex old chinese characters which we present day don't use anymore. The whole story is really a lot, but nonetheless, it didn't stopped him from getting me a copy and hopefully that I would find time to read.

Well, people that knows me well would understand that I am not a habitual reader. And in fact, I won't read unless it somewhat is my lost of not reading it. A not very book person, but rather, I would listen to people telling me what is in the book. But still, with such great effort, I read. Slowly, characters by characters, sentences by sentences, making senses and slowly seeps meaning to what I was reading. And soon I conqure pages by pages slowly day-in day-out whenever I have the time.

Back to the confession. I was in pure dilemma and handsful. Mind was so messed up and for one thing that's in my mind, I don't wish to hurt anyone and definitely a mishandling of that situation was not an option. Rejection was not the usual choice which I would take. Probably it never was my kind of answer. The worst was that neither acceptance was my choice. As a non-conformist, I believe in monogously attached form the first day that I stepped into the circle. Faithfully being together is not a choice, but the way.

July 29th. I planned to take a portion of my time out to help Elvis with his birthday plan. He planned to do a BBQ at East Coast Park. As always so well planned, I have no worries that things crop out last minute. And like the Elvis I knew, all situations will eventually be under-controlled. All I did was to present at the BBQ, helped out in carrying stuffs, looking after stuffs, and talk with his friends. Very friendly and outgoing friends he have, and fun-loving too. And so I stayed for that short while.

The same day is a usual Saturday, which I would go down to club and spend the entire night out there. With some familiar faces and known friends, and some hi-bye friends as well, that day was no exceptions. I never make exceptions for anyone anyway. Not with boyfriends, not with anyone. And the night was just another normal clubbing night, but I suppose Elvis's mind left just as I left his BBQ that night. And later on after my club, insisted to come over, drop by and give me a lift.. as well as my boyfriend.

The very night I remember, I took Elvis's handphone by mistake and I panicked.. I mean, how can the phone ended up in my possession suddenly? Anyway, Elvis came back for the phone and I felt bad for making him made such a turn for a blundle. In the whole night, Benji pulled a long face. For me, something to take note, but nothing to mention. Afterall Benji got all his freedom to feel whatever that he like. And all I did was to be me.

That night, Benji wanted to sent me to my void deck, and after that wait at my void deck. Waiting for the first MRT Train to operate around 6plus in the morning. We took a long talk. I told Benji, stop being silly and sticky to me. Sending me home and such. You know, all these make things to be such a high upkeep. Can you imagine that for the honeymoon period soneone do a lot of things for you, but probably when he gotten tired of doing all those things, he just choses not to do all those things for you anymore.

And this is when problems arise, when things changes, that when things that used to be done just stopped getting done. I detests something like that. And for that, I have more reasons to learn to be more independent. So that it would not add excessive weightage to the partner, and more importantly to the love, at the end of the day. And I finally learned that I do not appreciate short-term showing of love and care, I appreciate consistency of love and care. And my night (or day) for that day ended so. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Pre-Examination: 2008 Trimester 3

This is the one of those days that I would be like touching lots of papers and books, pens and notes, surfing my online references and doing past year papers.. Yes, the determining day is round the corner, determining how well will my papers be graded with the already gotten marks through assignments and tests.. Which is in fact one of the few things I really do frown over..

You see, with the aid of something like assignments and online tests, it can really bring the marks closer to what the examinations, and in fact is one of those potential helps around anyway. Especially with the nature or assignments and online tests which are certain and clear, ample of time and space and best is still the availability of resources and information which doesn't need to be memorized but only apply to the required. What's more can one students ask for?! Erm.. Actually there is, like, let their weightage of marks be more than examination lor.. >_<

Hmm.. Anyway, what's done is done.. If you have to know, all I scored for my assignments and online tests are just passes by the scrap of the borderline. And that means, they will so call "pull down" my marks in the way that I have lost those marks even before my exam paper.. And that explains my next part, work doubly hard in revision for my exam papers.

One of the most important factor in determining an examination's preparation is none other than the exam schedule, and that seems to be on my side, but not perfectly my side, just enough to get things work out. And second would be the availability and clarity of requirements of information needed to be gone through for the paper. And that would mean in short 'the focus'. And the range would be wide or narrow focus..

Wide focus would means you have to get everything in your head, if possible, EVERYTHING.. If not possible, some important facts of everything. And narrow focus would means concentration on the application portion rather than elaboration on the facts and information. Hmm.. after all these things I shared, all boils down to one final thing, give it your Ultimate God Damn best shot! XD Hmm.. Oh, anyway, I'll be having two papers one after the other this coming week and other two papers one after the other the next coming week.

Give me all the available luck and blessings!

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love IX

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

Time passes us by so fast and we decided to head back to the car and go out for supper at Geylang. Seriosuly speaking, my very first time as well.. XD We went and had chinese dim sum, very yummy, and warming as well. And that all concludes for the first ever time we go out experience. It was all so sweet fonding memories.. After that supper, he drove me back and got back home, and back to his life where he least like to be.

It wasn't long before the next time that he start to ask me out again, and out to not anywhere, but Sentosa. After agreeing to it, minutes later, both of us met up at my void deck before we make our way there. And poor Elvis, few days before that very day we met, he caught flu and fever. And was pretty pressurized in his service and was not fully recovered yet. With everything, he wishes to get out of the house and have a breather of the air. Well, at some point, I do agree to the way things are and the way he react..

Who would like to stay at home the whole time, and sick and fever and thinking about his "workplace" and feel good about it? Well, probably if I wasn't so into sleeping and not lazy and doesn't care about convenience, I would have gone out and not stayed a single second at home like what he did. Hmm.. and a bit of grumbling, what are friends for right? And of course talking about M.O. and stuffs and feeling not so good. I wouldn't deny that sometimes, it is good to say it out to someone the things that have been bothering the person in the heart.

Soon arrived at Sentosa Tanjung beach once more, and we walked and strolled the beach everywhere on the beach. I can remember that I was in white Rip Curl singlet top and white beach shorts. All my belongings are left in his car, handphones, wallet, house keys, coins, etc. And what he brought with him was his car keys and house keys. We strolled to a spot that was cleaner than any other spot and we both seat down on it. That night was having high tide and you can really hear the sea splashes aggressively and there, stood the moon so round hanging in the mid sky, so beautiful.

Clouds are like bits and pieces of the moon's blankets with stars playing hide-and-seek with the clouds. And we talked, but this time, there seem to have more silence than the last time. Probably it was a night to enjoy just by siting there than to ruin it with long conversations. And then, something sparked me in my mind and thought of building sand. Talking piles and piles of sand and stack thinking of forming Kit Kat's bar shape, or even M&M's ovalish-round shape. It was a night with a lot of fun. But just then, there's trouble...

Elvis came to me telling me that he could find nowhere his house keys, when he placed his house keys near to where he placed his slippers and the keys were nowhere to be found. And it was 4 plus in the morning. I panicked just as he already have, and started searching everywhere for it, even if it means to get our shorts wet. Well, you see, as it was high tide, so the place where he placed his slippers could have been the sea shore by the time we were looking for it, or even in the sea.

All search has left us with no clues, nor results. And soon, all energies and hopes slowly slip us by. And due to the lateness of the night, we decided to cease all searches and go home. As he lost his house keys in the process, he have nowhere to go until the morning breaks. Nobody would want to bother their parents that late in the night, trust me. So, I thought maybe he can spend the night over at mine's, a place for him to wash up from the salty night and a place to rest his mind on for the night. Afterall, I used to have a little sofa bed in my room, and that can finally be opened up for some usage.

I gave Elvis my bed as I rested on the sofa bed. Not as comfortable, neither was it nice. It felt really hard and short (with my body) and have a really very uncomfortable high head rest. But luckily it was, I still had a bolster with me. And the hour of resting was so little before the morning sun starts to shine on my window. Elvis was sleeping beside me the next minute I took a turn.. Hmmm.. and then I 'uh-oh'ed. =o

Anyway, a short night it was, but seems so long a night. And the sun signal fo Elvis' to take his leave, on his way home for a rest that he would truely need as both a patient and someone who had less than 4 hours of rest in some stranger's house. And as for me, just go to bed and not to think about anything for now is the best policy. Afterall, who needs to trouble himself and get all tensed up, after a long night and little sleep? Well, for me, sleep is the most important thing in the World. A sleepless World probably means a short life span + unsatisfied life.

But then, deep in my mind, I suppose, a new form of omen has started to show it's way. What's in Elvis's mind about me? What was sleeping beside me all about? Wild thoughts, unfruitful thinking occupied my mind from time to time whenever it was empty for a short period of time. An another weekend later, I agreed to be with Benji. Although there was still a lot of holes to fill in order for the relationship to turn frutiful and functional, but thinking that if it was Benji's true self to give in to me, to do all that for me in love, all would turn out well eventually. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Dragon Boat & Volunteering: Planning Phase

Well, remember that I mentioned that I planned to join Dragon Boat right? Hmm.. I did took an initiative to look up on Dragon Boat and stuffs and I came across this interesting team that happens to be an active volunteer group as well. The group I am talking about is CCWA (Caregiver Counseling Welfare Association) Dragon Boat Team. So, there's two items here, one is the Organization, and the other is the Team.

So the Organization is this CCWA as mentioned earlier which provides assistance and aids to people with disability, mental illness, life threatening diseases, and lonely elders too. A very wide range of recipients so to say. And as for the Dragon Boat Team under this well, is kind of unknown right now. Hmm.. And of course, from all first impression is that Dragon boat is so hard so hard, this and that. Well, I don't give in to things that I never tried, and so, yeah, I guess I will plan my way out probably after my Exams in February.

Hmm.. As for volunteering, that reminds me that Shahul korkor is doing some mentoring and stuffs as a volunteer for a long while now. Probably I will consult him on where did he do his flexible and fun volunteering.. But just as I was doing my personal research on the net, I think I did found something which quite suit my liking, volunteering at Students Care Service. Like what the name of the volunteer Organization says, it's main beneficiaries are towards mainly children and youths. But at the same time, involves family members, youth offenders, and schools too!

Wow, and I always thought of giving tries as consultants or counselor and facilitator.. Now is my time to put on such tries through volunteering. It has three centers: Clementi, Hougang and Yishun. That's one of the reason as well, at least it is along a convienent line of way, and that's Clementi. LOL.. Volunteering until like that, so fussy right? Anyway, one of my reason of volunteering is that I want to tune to understand different people from different crosses of life.

Probably it would do me great deal of tuning for personal good as well as a form of observation of human behaviour which I would deem as a form of Psychological understanding bah. I did of course, thought before of going into the field of study in Psychology. But definitely not going to me by first field nor main field of works.. not unless I have a Master or PhD on it and a international license to practise and research.

Anyway, that's about it... Hopefully, this entry will lead you to feel good about knowing someone who am going to do good to the society, or motivates you to join me in the route of contributing to the needies. I on the other hand, do really got to put my work and studies before all though, wish me good luck bah!

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love VIII

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

Well, wasn't of anything like what you may thought of. Benji back then was as sticky and mushy little prick. I wasn't very into him back then, and neither was I with Benji already and well, thought of making moves on me, for instances, trying to lean towards me claiming that he is tired. Back then, I still believe in the word 'behave' very strictly. Especially with someone I just got to know for less then 24hours. Definitely it is a very big no-no to hanky panky in someone else's car of such depth.

But there onwards, a new form of friendship took place. It started off with me and Elvis to have lots of long talks and conversation through phone calls and MSN. Talking about nothing very specific, but everything under the sun. A way to get to know about one another better and usually like always, talking about the believe of love. Then again, one very specific phone call, we talked about Benji and I. We talked about the kind of stage Benji and I was at and what can be done, etc.

And out of nowhere, Elvis suggested that I should keep putting him on 'hold'. And well, telling Elvis that I have given Benji a period of one month before I decides to tell if Benji and I to be together or not. The part of one month is to have a longer period to look into things and people at their most true form. Something which I have come to realized from the period of my first love breakup until now. Is that, the most important thing in a person is his ultimate true self. How is that to be proven, almost unable, but you know that it is just you.

A little sharing of the 'ultimate true self' believe. Is this, you are who you are which you built on every since you are born with. You dun need people to teach you how to be you, but you just know. What the school teaches and parents teaching just builds on the true self as well. For example, if the true self have a great deal of patient, then you will never be tired of waiting. But if you don't have that in your true self, but just believing that you have, one fine day, your patience can easily run out of it and start to blame on whichever that makes you impatient. True self like this is something that usually never changes.

Anyway, back to the one month I spoke of earlier. Well, I wasn't very convinced by Elvis' suggestions though, but thought it is just as a form of joke to make Benji sounds silly and me sounds pranky. And one day, we thought of going to Sentosa for a walk, in the evening time with his car. And I was borned, and didn't visit Sentosa for a long long time, that I agreed to go as well. The weather was really very nice and windy. And we talked about a lot of things, a bit of NS, a bit of life and everything.

Never one moment was I bored or nothing to talk about. And back then, Sentosa was so beautiful without construction barriers and huge cranes and sanded roads. Just some quiet stretch of bridge connecting main island to Sentosa and looking at both sides are empty walk ways for pedestrians and sea. Tilting the heads up, you can see the cable cars and the clear dark sky with no visible stars, but lamp posts lighting the way of drivers.

And that would be the very first time I step foot onto the Sentosa at Tanjung beach. We walked side by side, looking down at where our feet lands and listening to the waves washing up the shore. The beach was empty! Quiet fills the gap of the waves and wind fills the gap of still air. The sand was a mix of moistened and coarse sand and soft and white sand and pieces of wood shacks everywhere big and small. And walking from one end of Tanjung beach to the other seems so leisure and free.

Elvis took the lead just as we walked and walked right to the most inner of Tanjung beach, and there was where you can see an end with bushes and big boulders stacked up to form the coast. And we went beyond the bushes, walking on shrubs and dirt paths. Don't think dirty now! We were at the very very end of the Tanjung beach.. and we seat down. The place was extremely calm and cool, with wind blows time to time and we talk as we look outwards into the sea.

I can remember very clearly, somehow, somewhat.. Elvis brought up a topic on his past relationship. Very sentimentally, things just started to pour out. He didn't in fact have a chance to really experience a real relationship. His dating life, people that claims like him, people that he did liked for, his life full of hopes and changes and dreams. So many many ambitions, I could almost feel that he was almost all drained just by thinking over all these one by one. The very position that we seated, I remember, was filled with stars and almost close to zero cargo ships.

Time passes us by so fast and we decided to head back to the car and go out for supper at Geylang. Seriosuly speaking, my very first time as well.. XD We went and had chinese dim sum, very yummy, and warming as well. And that all concludes for the first ever time we go out experience. It was all so sweet fonding memories.. After that supper, he drove me back and got back home, and back to his life where he least like to be. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Getting Busy.. Busy.. Busier.. Busiest

Busy, is the one word and only word I can use to describe the feeling. You know all the posts that came late, the MIA (Missing In Action) act and the unheard unseen unspoken presence.. Well, yes, is all the contribution to and from this: Cause I am BUSY!

One sole contribution to busy is none other than my School. Dang! I never did expected that is what do they means by Trimester 3 is shorter.. You know, for what I used to have in my mind is 'oh, 1 year there's 12 months.. therefore, per Trimester should be roughly 4 months period..'. Unfortunately, for the Christ sake, after I experienced it, and I got to tell you, Trimester 3 is indeed shorter. Oh, and more screwed up as well, after all, Christmas is in Trimester 3 so is lots of breaks and stuffs for the Australians..

Well, it's as well, my first attempt to cope with four modules in a Trimester. Very bad move, but then, I suppose I am going to do it again in 2009 Trimester 3. Hmm.. Anyway, like I said, I chosen four modules that Trimester. It's in a way fortunate as they are pretty foundational modules that starts with 'Principles of...', 'Fundamentals of...', etc. And one of which is Business Law, a pre-requisite of Corporation Law.

Hmm.. the Lecturer is this middle-aged Lawyer and my classes are generally scheduled on Saturdays. Yup, it is indeed something to be damned over. Studying Law modules on a peaceful and completely-harmless weekend. If considering my sleeping habits, you can truly say that my Saturday will be left with eight hours before Sunday arrives. Well, that's how it is. The Business Law class is somewhat only consist of less than 10 students such as myself and the number randomly adds or minus depending on moods and liking.

What do you expect for a dry subject such as Business Law? Anyway, it is one of those modules that exam paper requires 3 hours (common) and yet there don't seem to have enough time to do the paper (uncommon). Oh, and the best part, it is the few modules that allows the students to bring books and notes in, yup, it's an open book sort. Oh, on top of that, even something so part-time such as work, brings about my busy-ness.. Sighz!

Some work that I am only required to work for ten working days (in a month) and yet, filled up my time slots pretty much from time to time. When time permits, I would be out with friends and be doing revision.. Oh, and after a round of evaluating, you guess what, the whole short Trimester took me about 3 months time, and got me like on/off six assignments and three online tests which consists of two online tests being divided into ten different tests which at the end of all will be compiled together to get a total for the online tests.

And one new experiences of another module which I obviously have overlooked a lot and it is Management. The reason for my under-estimation of it is due to the fact that there's no classes scheduled for part-time students like me who usually if there's classes be held in the evening of weekdays, or in the afternoon of a weekend. So, there's more reason for me to read on my own the materials and making sense out of the power point slides, online reading articles, notes and study guides, and voice recordings.

Oh well, wish me good luck.. Examinations in February man!

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love VII

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

Back in 'Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love IV', I forgot what was the exact scene and atmosphere it was. I forgot how my first relationship ended, but now I do. My memory came back to me and freshened up the feelings. Victor grew tired. You see, there seems to have a very big loop about a lot of information back then.

So, I shall explain a bit. Victor spends a lot of his time with pubs and clubs and friends be it weekdays or weekends. To be back then, it wasn't at all a problem, or rather, I wouldn't feel that there is a problem. But you see, gays can behave very different to different situations. For example, sometimes in a relationship, the partner seeks your attention when you are together, while other times, the partner doesn't so seek your attention.

In my case, Victor doesn't so seek my attention, even with me. Some what or another, maybe, he do seek a lot of others, friends as well as non-friends' attention. Which in a way, ended up as wind to the wave in the sea, and clouds to the rain in the sky. Rumors. Probably, a naive and straightforward person like me back then would have done as what would deem right, to ask and clarify.

Once, twice, clarifications done one after another. And just over clarifications, patience wore thinner than thin. Thinking that only his patience is the one that matters, he decided that it's time he put an end to it. He finally said it, 'I am tired', which eventually ended the relationship, as my previous posts, over SMSes. Well, I wasn't sad, more like upset then. I didn't mind a lot of things about him, for example, he got a girlfriend when we were together. And he worked as a waiter in Tantric which usually get the better of him.

Hmm.. Ah, now the picture looks so much more completed, probably covered 90% of everything. And you would ask where does the 10% goes to? Well, you see, it was not just over clarifications that do the job. Victor was beginning to show unfaithfulness and tainted symptoms the clarifications last made before he called it an end. An event that probably I could still remember as a form of "memory".

Victor was actually drunk one very night. After years of undrunkable drinking, getting drunk was still made happened. Maybe yes, maybe no, but what I was told was what he himself claimed to be yes. And thereafter, he was brought to someone else home and slept the night. Well, I personally wouldn't believe that nothing happen. Eventhough Victor claimed nothing. The truth is that the guy who brought him home and a common friend between I and Victor was present.

So, well, the truth is, confession is better than not and probably things can be cleared up and decide where do we head after that. But, well, probably Victor didn't thought of this as possible. Or probably choosing to lie would reserve some good impression in him and can at least still be friend after a breakup. The rest of the loop that I skipped are on purpose of not to fill it up, example, the showdown and confrontation of me and the common friend.

On the contrary, I suppose I owe everyone thing but just thanks, as the past would make my present happen no matter it be good or bad. So, how about we carry on from the previous that we left off?

Elvis understand that since Benji doesn't really stands firmly more than just being my boyfriend, he stands more chance. Utilising the most contemporary tactic, peer pressure, he planned his way to achievement. Outings are never just about me if you have guessed, its usually about us and this us is referring to my Family. Segregation of Family from me and him appears more obvious then ever, in every step to make him feeling uneasy and weird, unwelcome and not related. I felt it back then, and I can still remember the kind of staggering awkwardness, it is too much that I can't choose to ignore. But then again, that is altogether another story to be told.

Maybe I should paint a better picture of Elvis right from the start. Elvis, the only child brought up in an averagely-well to do family. Very hospitality trained and is definitely presentable in every aspect as a friend and in his field. He is the same age as me, in the same month as well, and in fact we are just days apart. Leo. Tall. Fair (as in not tanned). Slightly averagely-big size, neither can that be considered built nor muscled, neither chunky.

He drives a family car which was owned by his dad and behaves as what an average joe would behave, something like me. He serves his National Service as a Military Police Officer, just as I served mine as a Police Officer back then. How did we know each other is sort of fate and luck, a mix of both I think. Elvis saw me clubbing one fine night in Why Not without knowing who I was. And the day after, he sort of found my SGBoy (now called Trevvy) profile and privately messaged me.

Something like this, 'I saw you yesterday in Why Not, care to be friend?' or similar. And I finds no excuses not to know another friend, well, for the sake of friend only. So, I intiated saying the next time we meet up to go club together. And we did. Not every eventful, but definitely nice to remember. And after clubbing, if I wasn't wrong, around the time 3am, we decided to leave the club together and he decided to give me a lift. And we did.. with Benji's prescence already. The lift was an aweful 30-40 mins of silence..

Well, wasn't of anything like what you may thought of. Benji back then was as sticky and mushy little prick. I wasn't very into him back then, and neither was I with Benji already and well, thought of making moves on me, for instances, trying to lean towards me claiming that he is tired. Back then, I still believe in the word 'behave' very strictly. Especially with someone I just got to know for less then 24hours. Definitely it is a very big no-no to hanky panky in someone else's car of such depth. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Have a break.. from Love

This is something that probably told but not blogged about. But anyway, I thought probably, I should as well blog about it and refer to it as the thoughts of my mind whenever I have doubts. You see, I have made a very big decision sometime in 2009 which is going to affect me in the short run. And this decision don't seem to be very welcomed nor responded well when I begin to speak of it back then. It's as a matter of fact, something which I presume noone would have supported this decision anyway, after all we are living in a very 'now' century.

You see, back in 2008, I had this idea. This idea of thriving successes in career and academically, which ultimately, the offspring will be financial stability and intellectual-level benchmarking. And I had planned everything all out nicely and beautifully over the next five years. All about indulging in work and night-classes, befriending more books and texts on top of my social life and personal time. Living a life beyond what Singapore life already gotten me, beyond the 9-to-6 life.

And where do the energy and time come from? It comes from the single and available me. It comes from the already starting to learn to used to the tensed life of evening classes and working out my budgets with the pay from my salary no doubt they are peanuts. And finally the plan has gotten a head start soon after sometime in September (2008).

But here comes a few catches, one of those obvious turn out to be I don't wish to be involved in any relationship, love, dating, or even seeing someone. Something which I suppose was strongly criticized on, and disagreed to by many people that come across such "conditions". Who is to blame? No one! But anyway, shaken it maybe but I still feel it's there for some good personal reasons.

1. The one of those reasons which I think vaild: I wouldn't have time nor energy to initiate, conduct and maintain any of such acts (relationship, love, dating, seeing someone). And if I don't put in these required effort, I don't see a point in being in it. Similarly, why do you go into war zone knowing that you don't have enough resources?
2. Linking to another of my personal choice of getting serious for three relationships, I don't need to rush into my third one anyway. Well, after all I had two relationships count till now.
3. In the age of 20-30, probably, it wasn't the ideal age to get into settlement in Singapore (in gay context) I thought. See, in such critical age, in such competitive country, in such environment, people should be taking responsibilities more in getting career built-up, earning substantial income and making paths for the future. It wasn't easy for some parents to raise some kids up and supporting them financially for 20<>

Hmm.. Don't feel like going on elaborating about it further.. =X But then, after the 5 years, I do wish to at least have achieved a Masters in Accountancy and Certified Public Accountant certifications with roughly 3 years of Audit working experience. Hmm.. Plans mah, made to be achieved. Wish me good luck.

2009, the Year of Change

2009 is being labeled as the 'Year of Change' by us, as in me and my Family. Hmm, but then, what actually is this 'Year of Change' all about? You see, this year, we are expecting lots of changes to be made, to our lives, to our plans, to our interests, to almost anything under the Sun. Well, to certain perspectives, too many things have been left too peaceful and quiet along the years and years. Probably, it is finally a year where we thought about it, and make some changes to the way things have been around.

I suppose with all observation, the first biggest change that's happening is none other than Economic. To all available signs and symptoms showing Economic downturn and Financial Crisis affecting not only the US and Singapore, but World Widely. Terrors struck deep into people's mind, and Companies started to get more uptight with their spending. Recession is usually anything but unavoidable.

And little changes here, little changes there, and I discover that, changes are usually for the better. Although there are changes that are for the worse, but commonly, people would avoid changes.. in a whole. And slowly, I pondered left and right, what kind of changes should I avoid? What kind of changes should I be weary? And what kind of changes do I welcome with an open arm?.. Well, after all, it's a 'Year of Change' right?

Hmm.. and changes approach without giving a fore-warning. It seems to have caused quite a drastic result even though it's not long after 2008 parted us. Oh, yes, I do missed 2008 for the good times, events, songs, people, etc etc. And looking at where I am at now, I suppose I can't really take absolute control over changes, so I'm afraid be the changes good or bad, if it were to happen to me, it'll eventually do so.

Oh, but you know what? Out of all the changes, some, are of course, under control and requires action to be taken by choice, not chance. And some of those are, I have decided to take up a sport: Dragon boat. Not anytime soon though, but it's sure going to happen, just a matter of time. And a second change is that, I have decided to take up volunteer work. Hmm.. And with these two chances at sight, I am sure 2009 won't be that dry and bad after all! Cheers~