Earth Hour 2009

It's something new to me, and so I tried reading about it. And apparently with what is on their Website, which is called Earth Hour. And I discovered how this is to them is kind of not what I thought. To the Earth Hour, 'Earth Hour has been transformed into the world’s first global election, between Earth and global warming. For the first time in history, people of all ages, nationalities, race and background have the opportunity to use their light switch as their vote – Switching off your lights is a vote for Earth, or leaving them on is a vote for global warming. WWF are urging the world to VOTE EARTH and reach the target of 1 billion votes, which will be presented to world leaders at the Global Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen 2009.' (Earth Hour, 2009)

Anyway, just in case you didn't know about this.. Let me simplify the action.. Earth Hour is about switching off and avoid using electricity for an hour during the "Earth Hour", which happens to be 28 March 2009 this year's. It started in 2007 in Sydney, which had a response of 2.2 millions from homes and businesses. And this year, the Earth Hour is looking at a scale of 1 billion as a part of "global vote".

Oh, and one more thing, instead of using electricity, you can either idle at home in darkness and go to bed earlier than usual, of lighting candle and be inconvenient.. Or, head down to Botanical Gardens at Botany Centre to have a Picnic at 2.00 and Esplanade Park at 5-9.30pm with a beeswax candle and picnic rag and food basket! LOL.. Sounds real fun yeah? First time in Singapore, we are all going to be caught in the dark where every inch of the city will not be seen.

Hmm.. sounds like an idea, but then again, what does that means? The World may say global warning is happening, but is really just an hour in 1-2 years going to make a difference to the future? It may of course slow down the process, but what can be done with slowing down the process when everywhere around the World we uses motor vehicles and lights, and some even worst to be caught smoking contributing to both environmental issues and human issues.

The way things are now is pretty unstoppable with two opposing forces. The against and the towards.. And as for me, probably I am a neutral, which is not a surprise to me if neutral has the most portions of the populations. But oh well, I am not going to be at home anyway tonight.. Hahaha. I would be in fact already out of my house around 5.40pm for my Dragon boat Team gathering somewhere in someone's condo function hall.

Probably going to club later in the night as well.. But then, if the 8.30-9.30pm is going to be happening, I suppose it is one big thing that I will not missed out at any parts of Singapore yeah.. Probably walk in the dark later in the deep night. And hopefully without bombings and terrorism activities going on. =D Get busy now.. Tata~

25th March 2009: Fitness First, My First

Nothing much happened seriously, but I just complaint that my Dragon Boat training has been giving me this post-training ache all around the whole of my back body, from the shoulder to the waist. They are like partly soaring ache and partly aching pain.. Really something you wouldn't feel comfortable to be with. And that it persisted right from the day of the last training till this Wednesday and I don't have anyone to show me the way to deal with it.

It is of course one way is to massage it.. Anyone, professional or not. Oh, and by the way, I don't visit massage parlor. Hmm.. Don't wish to be touched by anyone I am not familiar with I guess, and neither am I interested in the environment. Hmm.. And previously, I would ask my dad to do some back massage from my previous back ache, but then again, my dad wasn't around to do it for me this time. Looking around, it's only me and the four walls.. and my hands of course. Although possible, but then over the awkwardness of the arms, I rather not, and anyway, I won't get a good massage by rubbing my back with my own hands =/

Then my friend recommended me to go for a one-time free visit to the Fitness First Gym to drop by and try out their Balance class, can't really remember the name of the instructor though. Anyway, and so I considered and considered as I was as well, quite skeptical over expensive private gym centers. But then, I still did. Oh, and we (me and my friend and he is called Dominic by the way) went down to the Fitness First at The Cathay, and it was cool and we went for the Balance class.

It was really good, with music and moves that stretches and relaxes and cultivates balance to the practitioner. Motions and movements, stretching and twisting.. It did relieved tons of ache almost immediately after the session. And the session lasted for about an hour. And it's really amazing how all these could come in and aid my back aches and stuffs. It sure is one jolly good experience with paying a visit to one of the competitive private gym centers.

Oh and the remaining of the day is all about traveling down to Bukit Timah Shopping Centre and travel to evening class from a long bus route from Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. You see, days and days ago, my baby just doesn't respond to starting up right after nine updates were made to it, and just went completely dead right after I agreed to restart it. And the Service Centre is in none other than Bukit Timah Shopping Centre. But lucky to know that the moment I was there and showed my baby to the guy over the desk, he managed to salvage my baby and it's ok le! And I need to pay nothing for it... =D

But then it was all so troublesome to take bus 174 down to Hotel Rendezvous with at least an hour plus travel time and twenty plus minutes to thirty of waiting time. And nevertheless, I was late for class by twenty minutes =_= And the worst come after that, that after I reach the class, I didn't pretty much understand what is being taught in the class for that day and the class ended like an hour later with going through some tuitorial and like always, students with problems stay behind, and the rest can leave.. And that's about it. Pant pant..

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love XIII

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

But noone has ever thought that a stormy night usually comes after a calm night. Just when things compiled in itself, it just speaks for itself. That should be considered as a all auto-righteous way. Elvis made his move.. Elvis finally shifted his pawns and made his attack. In the whole event, Elvis managed to get popularity and acceptance so many more folds compared to Benji, and with that, he finally took his chance.

Actions to my interpretations: Elvis took the chance and effort to segregate my group of friends during the very one eventful outing to Sentosa. A huge group of people was around, people I was close to, people I wasn't close to, and people I may not know. Knowing that Benji wasn't popular and accepting to most, Elvis purposely put it across to divide all the people from me and Benji in hoping that he may felt left out and unwelcome and that he should feel ashamed and awkward. It was a success..

But who would understand it so? Probably it wasn't all so obvious. Neither was intention a visible entity all on its own. I fear of over-throwing Benji's position was just all so easy, as to the group of close friends I had, Benji was just someone no more than James' boyfriend. But lucky it was just a short moment then it would be calling a day, as to me, it was all intolerable, but yet, I can't just express it out plainly like that.

Chinese would have this saying, 'paper can never conceal fire'. It was lucky for me, that someone stood by my side knowing and observed all this in a form of witness. And that someone is none other then Shahul korkor. Hugs! From the day of outing, days later, one fine day, we met up and decided to go for supper, and to my astonishment, he brought up the topic so. I mean, back then, I was not so close to Shahul korkor yet and we didn't really have so much of one-to-one talk prior to that, and we finally did.

Shahul korkor brought up all his observations bits and pieces and with my side of story and bits and pieces, we compiled up. And finally, a second person I could share the fear and burden with. It sounded all so quick and uncontrollable that things just appeared and symptoms just appeared and it was all declared as beginning. Shahul and I had long chats and heart-to-heart conversations thereafter, then do I discovered that Shahul korkor is such a precious and talented gem.

In the same night, a roar-y rough night took it's place. After the supper, we were supposedly to buy the supper for Sabrina and Joash as well. Well, Sabrina and Joash as well as Elvis was at Joash's at the moment, so thought of good faith, we should. After the supper, Shahul and I planned to re-queue for the same stall to get fresh packs for them, but who knows, the next minute, Joash's SMS came hitting us like as though we were obliged for something or similar. I agreed it was late, but at the same time, we didn't expected them to wait starving for our supper.

And with all the aggression, we choose not to get them the supper, after all, Joash said no need to get any for them anymore. With all pleasure, we didn't. And since we didn't need to do anything after our supper, Shahul korkor and I so choose to seat down at my void deck and chat. With Elvis by Joash's and Sabrina's side, things couldn't get any better. With all the long chats at my void deck where Shahul korkor and I sat, there comes Elvis, Joash and Sabrina marched towards us fiercely. Not that I am afraid, but more like what's the problem.

Joash started rattling down at us, well, neither I nor Shahul felt was at wrong, it doesn't took us any form of effort to defend for our actions. But what seems to be the real problem was that in some way or another, none of those confrontations was over the supper but was with the bad-mouthing Elvis had over them before they were there. It was doubt, but was obvious later on so right of my guesses.

From Sabrina, comes ignorant and child-like talk whichever is in her mind. And whenever she speaks of anything, it was always so pure and random. Nothing of badness, just that she was the most easy to emotionally-controlled over and probably made use of by the people around her. Mentioning things like why did you quarrel? Go over and talk to Elvis. You should pick Elvis over Benji you know that? And a lot of controlled talk.

Of course, with Shahul korkor and mine's busy brain, it seems almost like a tag team brain gush jumping into defense. And Joash, obviously still ain't satisfied for us not getting Sabrina the supper, demanded that we should. Well, we did after that, to shut him up. That night, Sabrina was the biggest weapon of all just as her tears rolled down her face. But I choose not to give in to Elvis' manipulation of mind and facts. We stood. But there after, I have lay my mind that Elvis shall begone in my life after the night, no questions asked. Disappointed with mixed feelings, but nonetheless, if things had to end that way the people chosen, who is to deny?

~Fin~ (End of Season 1)

My Studies Progression

A new Trimester started: Trimester 1, 2009. Finally the usually long and not so packed time plan with the study loads I chose to take. This Trimester, I have of course chosen to take four modules as well. And it has by far, just started with this week. The study plan is pretty tightly placed side by side, but then, by the outline of it, it is just fine as it should be. Oh, talking about my this Trimester reminded me to speak of my Trimester 3 of last year. I am sure you will be very curious to know what kind of grade did I get for that right?

Well, it wasn't bad at all, it was not bad, just that it wasn't something that I had planned for at all. It was so called "sub-standard" grades all thanks to the unresponsive results of assignments and online tests. But good enough to not to retake the modules and delay my course plan, yup I scored Ps (Passes) and Cs (Credits) for my four modules in an even manner. And so, it wasn't so bad at the end of the day.

And so due to the exam results, I have decided to plan a pre-attempt to finish the required assignment to perfection and not last-minute preparation in order to earn more marks for my final results for this Trimester. And only after that that I would go out and get on with getting into a part-time job once again. And luckily for this time, I was given roughly four main assignments and one online test, and that one online test is for my Business Finance Module.

Good going and hoping for a smooth sailing as well. Having hiccups here and there doesn't mean that I shouldn't get on with whatever that is waiting for me in the future right.. Just got to learn and let things go. Oh, and for my this Trimester, I am so much happier.. I have found myself a friend to study Business Communication Module with and a very potent Barrister as my lecturer for my Corporation Law Module.

And curiously, for the past three Trimester that I took I seemed to be taught by these two lecturers for which ever I selected.. Miss Ricci Loh and Mr Harjinder. Very remarkable lecturers, but then, I just didn't know whats the problem lies in for me to under-perform under their supervision and guidance. But I guess the best modules that happens to also be quite a challenge (it basically means killer modules) are Audit and Taxation.

Oh and I think I do enjoy Business Communication very much. The lecturer is so chirpy and can present herself really well.. And the best part is, you are not required to learn a lot and remember and apply them. But more like learning in specific on how to totally deliver and present in multiple manners to multiple audiences and stuffs like that.. I think that's the kind of less brain, more interaction modules that I enjoy bah.

Edios for now, remember to come back and visit my blog often than not.. =D Have a nice weekday!

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love XII

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

... Harsh it was, situational wise as well as behaviour wise. I was clamed just like a sandwich people would say. Neither I nor Elvis stepped back, we all just remained as where we stood. But love don't just develope and go away. It stays and lingers and sometimes even evolve into something stronger. Especially when there's still visible ray of light somewhere shining in someone's direction, hope of getting it is just thought to be not so far from reach, but yet not so near as touched as well.

Days later, Elvis SMS me to go down to my void deck, saying that he wanted to see me and pass me something. Wasn't really in the mood for anything, definitely not into quarrel as well. But I still did. He suddenly just passed me a handphone, N73, said that it's a gift from him. I didn't wanted to accept that and found all ways to reject such an expensive gift. Nonetheless, all else fails and I took the handphone.

I wasn't a very materialistic person. A functional phone is all I needed, and usually is enought to get me to use it. And he took loans and got me such a nice and new model handphone then. Both appreciated, but it comes with feeling closer on my nerves. I mean, both I and him wasn't like born into rich family when we got a bigger budget to work on, and he was still serving his National Service, so where do he got such a load to pay the loan!

Anyway, then was definitely not the kind of time I lecture him over buying me things. He got everything planned out, from where to get the casing to protect the handphone to where to make a new SIM card so that it could support 3G function. And everything seem to tone down every since then. No excessive calling from Elvis checking where was I, what was I doing, when am I free.. Just occassionaly contact, I thought things finally calmed down a bit after my return from the mourning. Finally could I take a breather from all the crushings of emotions.

Things seemed more spacious thereafter, but then, was this what Elvis wanted? To me it should all just stayed that way and nothing will get better or worst if so, but no. Elvis finally felt that this wasn't the way he wanted. He wanted the same old closeness that he still demanded from me. Closeness which he couldn't live without. But then, he knew deep inside himself, that he choosed for the situation that he was in then and he choosed to stay in the picture even if he shouldn't have. He grew haywired out of his interest.

For one, he wanted me to be happy and doesn't wanted me to be in such a dilemma and difficult position. Yes, this was as well, one of the aspects of him that I admired, understanding. But then again, he wanted the kind of love and attention and demand of a boyfriend, which he could never ask for and do never receive. But then, days still went on. And we did a lot of things together even as not being together. We enjoyed each and everytime we spent with each other's presence around.

Movies, to DVDs, dining out, supper, shopping, hanging out, seating down and chat, meeting friends, etc.. All so fun and comfortable! And one of such enjoyable activities I would remember was going down to West Coast MacDonald and spent the time there with Elvis, Joash and Shahul korkor. Nothing more then just seating down there with drinks and some snacks and chat. Bitch around if you have to, but generally, just feel the easy and free atmosphere it has just as seating around a group of friends.

And one fine such visits, an unplanned trip, we managed to went there for a few times now. We thought and chatted just when Joash mentioned something about Sentosa. When you are young, nothing really stops you other than transport in Singapore. And very unplannedly as well, we all decided to make a trip down to Sentosa's beach for it's night scenery and some quiet time there. Wow, it never felt so good. Then Joash's mum, Sabrina, was there. And everything seems so beautiful..

Tanjung beach it was that we went. The sky was clear with little blinking stars and soft splashing waves. The starry night marked a very memorable night just as time passed us by, but we weren't bothered by it anyway. Which was also the some random night that nothing crosses my mind to bother me at all. A very short night it was, and we all proceed home thereafter, slowly sending one by one home.

But noone has ever thought that a stormy night usually comes after a calm night. Just when things compiled in itself, it just speaks for itself. That should be considered as a all auto-righteous way. Elvis made his move.. Elvis finally shifted his pawns and made his attack. In the whole event, Elvis managed to get popularity and acceptance so many more folds compared to Benji, and with that, he finally took his chance. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love XI

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

And this is when problems arise, when things changes, that when things that used to be done just stopped getting done. I detests something like that. And for that, I have more reasons to learn to be more independent. So that it would not add excessive weightage to the partner, and more importantly to the love, at the end of the day. And I finally learned that I do not appreciate short-term showing of love and care, I appreciate consistency of love and care. And my night (or day) for that day ended so.

Getting busy with my things from time to time just makes my day so relaxed and easy. Well, but since Elvis confessions, my mind has been overworked. Logical me doesn't always produce reasons and doesn't always have an answer. When under-pressure, my mind ticked just the way wheels and axles do. Work endlessly, but not smartly. One side was someone whom doesn't have charisma, doesn't know how to do things, react to things and present himself, but love me and give me a lot of attention so much so that I was never alone.

And the other, someone I felt so close to, so individual and so comfortable speaking to, hearing from and be with, that loves me but isn't someone I am with. But only comes out after I am attached, and wants my attention and most of all, be with me. By not regretting the decisions I had made, I thought, probably Elvis would learn that it is impossible to be with me and love me like couples do and would eventually fall back on someone who loves him more than his love for me and fall for the guy.

And for me, I thought, as for Benji, I loved him not because of his looks nor his ability to love, but for the fact that he is completely sincere and was so fully contributive to the relationship, I should give him more chances to pull both of us closer as boyfriend. A lot of things I could have easily done with my capabilities and ability, but thought would be nice to let my partner do it for me. And for this, we would grow to live and behave like what couples would, and learn of each other ways in the time to come.

Elvis did not chose let go eventually, it grew in him to be even more hopeful then ever to be with me in hoping Benji and I would break off. Some situation I personally would label it as possession over love. This, this, this thing called hopeful was the lesser evil that kept Elvis motivated on the idea of being with me. And it did. And it all seemed so clear after we had a confrontation later in September. What was I thinking and what was his stand was all in a mess.. And Elvis grew to suffer, and I grew more and more used to the feeling of suffer.

If you were thinking how to see the worst side of human character, probably this would be one of the most prominent way. To see how people dig their own grave and stand in their own stake of interest, and feel for themselves thinking that 'look, you are wrong, this should be the way!' After that, I went into silence. Don't see any point in arguing. Don't see any meaning in defending anymore. It was all seen and felt that way, the way that it shouldn't be, but it did.

In the same month days and days later, one day out of the blues, I woke up from the flustering phoning conversation I heard from the living room, it's my mother. Trying to jot down contacts and numbers and locations and dates and calling people, etc. I crawled out of my bed like always. And to my shock, my grandmother has passed away... she was my mother's mother who was living in Malaysia back then. With us not having by her side, and now that she was at her death bed, no wonder my mum panicked that badly.

I was in a state of blankness. Didn't know what to do, neither do I know what I could do. But one thing for sure, we must all get ready to make a trip down to Malaysia in the short period after gotten to know the news. SMSed Elvis saying that I won't be in Singapore for days which I didn't know the length as well, neither do I know which day and time exactly do my family make the trip down. And in the midst of all uncertainty, Elvis extended his help saying why not he drive us there..

In the request, two things crossed my mind, first, my family was having a hard time now, why do he want to make my family felt bad for something extra. And second was that, I SMSed is to inform, not to request for aid. Arrangements were best made by my parents, example, how to get down, when to get down, etc. And on top of that, who is this Elvis guy who should drive us there? But nonetheless, deeply, I would appreciate the thoughts, but nothing more. Of course, a lot of other things crossed my mind back then, and things such as how doting my grandmother was when she was around me.

... Harsh it was, situational wise as well as behaviour wise. I was clamed just like a sandwich people would say. Neither I nor Elvis stepped back, we all just remained as where we stood. But love don't just develope and go away. It stays and lingers and sometimes even evolve into something stronger. Especially when there's still visible ray of light somewhere shining in someone's direction, hope of getting it is just thought to be not so far from reach, but yet not so near as touched as well. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Post-Examination: 2008 Trimester 3

Holly crap, finally it's all over.. Finally now I can call it a 2009 for the real time.. Finally I can take a really really deep breathe and say, 'so long 2008!'. My sleepless nights, and brain-drained days have finally come to some end and am going to celebrate it with lots of sleep (well-deserved ones) be it the grades that is going to come out in weeks more time to be good or bad. I missed the touch of my bed badly. Hugs~

The papers tormented me with multiple-choice questions, short-answer questions as well as structured questions and finally I can rest my eyes without the need to give any answers of any sorts now. But then again, recapping the whole exam thingy is kind of bad. I wasn't really that well prepared for some of the paper after all and one of those expected to perform slightly below averaged was Management. Reason: I didn't have any classes to attend, thus relaxed on my revision.

And the next not-so well prepared ones are none other than Business Law. Dang, and only until my paper do I understand that my lecturer was kind of crapped the application of principles up. My revision was quite minimal and yet this minimal revision was with the information my lecturer was focusing on a lot with the classes. I am sure most of my classmates would agreed that the application of Law was somehow or another being mistaken for.

Hmm.. initially I thought, Business Law should be compared to the rest, slightly easier (at least for me) due to the understanding that I don't need to memorize facts, just need to know where to get those available information and how to apply them. Usually the memory part would deal me great deal of trouble, due to one part of my human flaws: forgetfulness.

Well, other then the above two mentioned modules, my Economics Principles were not bad. But just not that perfect that's all. All the required information was a spot-on and the answering was quite smooth, just didn't got the chance to remember some information left and right, and thus, wasted some critical argument point and marks around and about.

And not to forget about the last not mentioned modules being Fundamentals of Finance. God.. I sure did slipped another few lots of important points and some definitive stuffs. Overall a ok. Hmm, just did a bit of regret that I didn't check my Yahoo Mail earlier before I prepare for the exam. As the focus given by the unit chair have left out something, she decided to compensate us by revealing the one question that was told to left out in the preparation of exam. Well, and if I did check my Yahoo Mail, then I would have so called picked up 'free given marks' le. Sadly, no.

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love X

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

But then, deep in my mind, I suppose, a new form of omen has started to show it's way. What's in Elvis's mind about me? What was sleeping beside me all about? Wild thoughts, unfruitful thinking occupied my mind from time to time whenever it was empty for a short period of time. An another weekend later, I agreed to be with Benji. Although there was still a lot of holes to fill in order for the relationship to turn frutiful and functional, but thinking that if it was Benji's true self to give in to me, to do all that for me in love, all would turn out well eventually.

It was an open announcement, probably in a form of blows to the people that lay interest on me, and good news to my friends that showered love and care for me. But nonetheless, whatever that I used to live my life with, with clubbing and friends, with knowing new friends through internet and meeting up from time to time with my own friends, will stay. Nothing much changed, except that now, I live my life as attached and not single, and there is one more person to consider when I make any decisions.

Elvis, on the other hand, was still my friend. But strangely, after knowing the news that I was attached, he grew anxious and all worked up. Soon, words so true came out from his mouth just so smoothly one fine day (or night rather). Telling me that he found out that he do harbor feelings for me, and regretted to tell me so before I made my decision with Benji that very night we planted our hopes and got attached. Elvis felt that he grew to love me very soon after he got to know me and days later he got to know more about me.

And more, Elvis was the emotional and sentimental kind of guy that would learned to cherish romantic and meaningful love stories and put all his heart and soul in enjoying the story, even though it may be fictitious. And he shared this fiction with me: Feng Yan Feng Yu. It was all written in Chinese characters and some even with all the complex old chinese characters which we present day don't use anymore. The whole story is really a lot, but nonetheless, it didn't stopped him from getting me a copy and hopefully that I would find time to read.

Well, people that knows me well would understand that I am not a habitual reader. And in fact, I won't read unless it somewhat is my lost of not reading it. A not very book person, but rather, I would listen to people telling me what is in the book. But still, with such great effort, I read. Slowly, characters by characters, sentences by sentences, making senses and slowly seeps meaning to what I was reading. And soon I conqure pages by pages slowly day-in day-out whenever I have the time.

Back to the confession. I was in pure dilemma and handsful. Mind was so messed up and for one thing that's in my mind, I don't wish to hurt anyone and definitely a mishandling of that situation was not an option. Rejection was not the usual choice which I would take. Probably it never was my kind of answer. The worst was that neither acceptance was my choice. As a non-conformist, I believe in monogously attached form the first day that I stepped into the circle. Faithfully being together is not a choice, but the way.

July 29th. I planned to take a portion of my time out to help Elvis with his birthday plan. He planned to do a BBQ at East Coast Park. As always so well planned, I have no worries that things crop out last minute. And like the Elvis I knew, all situations will eventually be under-controlled. All I did was to present at the BBQ, helped out in carrying stuffs, looking after stuffs, and talk with his friends. Very friendly and outgoing friends he have, and fun-loving too. And so I stayed for that short while.

The same day is a usual Saturday, which I would go down to club and spend the entire night out there. With some familiar faces and known friends, and some hi-bye friends as well, that day was no exceptions. I never make exceptions for anyone anyway. Not with boyfriends, not with anyone. And the night was just another normal clubbing night, but I suppose Elvis's mind left just as I left his BBQ that night. And later on after my club, insisted to come over, drop by and give me a lift.. as well as my boyfriend.

The very night I remember, I took Elvis's handphone by mistake and I panicked.. I mean, how can the phone ended up in my possession suddenly? Anyway, Elvis came back for the phone and I felt bad for making him made such a turn for a blundle. In the whole night, Benji pulled a long face. For me, something to take note, but nothing to mention. Afterall Benji got all his freedom to feel whatever that he like. And all I did was to be me.

That night, Benji wanted to sent me to my void deck, and after that wait at my void deck. Waiting for the first MRT Train to operate around 6plus in the morning. We took a long talk. I told Benji, stop being silly and sticky to me. Sending me home and such. You know, all these make things to be such a high upkeep. Can you imagine that for the honeymoon period soneone do a lot of things for you, but probably when he gotten tired of doing all those things, he just choses not to do all those things for you anymore.

And this is when problems arise, when things changes, that when things that used to be done just stopped getting done. I detests something like that. And for that, I have more reasons to learn to be more independent. So that it would not add excessive weightage to the partner, and more importantly to the love, at the end of the day. And I finally learned that I do not appreciate short-term showing of love and care, I appreciate consistency of love and care. And my night (or day) for that day ended so. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Pre-Examination: 2008 Trimester 3

This is the one of those days that I would be like touching lots of papers and books, pens and notes, surfing my online references and doing past year papers.. Yes, the determining day is round the corner, determining how well will my papers be graded with the already gotten marks through assignments and tests.. Which is in fact one of the few things I really do frown over..

You see, with the aid of something like assignments and online tests, it can really bring the marks closer to what the examinations, and in fact is one of those potential helps around anyway. Especially with the nature or assignments and online tests which are certain and clear, ample of time and space and best is still the availability of resources and information which doesn't need to be memorized but only apply to the required. What's more can one students ask for?! Erm.. Actually there is, like, let their weightage of marks be more than examination lor.. >_<

Hmm.. Anyway, what's done is done.. If you have to know, all I scored for my assignments and online tests are just passes by the scrap of the borderline. And that means, they will so call "pull down" my marks in the way that I have lost those marks even before my exam paper.. And that explains my next part, work doubly hard in revision for my exam papers.

One of the most important factor in determining an examination's preparation is none other than the exam schedule, and that seems to be on my side, but not perfectly my side, just enough to get things work out. And second would be the availability and clarity of requirements of information needed to be gone through for the paper. And that would mean in short 'the focus'. And the range would be wide or narrow focus..

Wide focus would means you have to get everything in your head, if possible, EVERYTHING.. If not possible, some important facts of everything. And narrow focus would means concentration on the application portion rather than elaboration on the facts and information. Hmm.. after all these things I shared, all boils down to one final thing, give it your Ultimate God Damn best shot! XD Hmm.. Oh, anyway, I'll be having two papers one after the other this coming week and other two papers one after the other the next coming week.

Give me all the available luck and blessings!

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love IX

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

Time passes us by so fast and we decided to head back to the car and go out for supper at Geylang. Seriosuly speaking, my very first time as well.. XD We went and had chinese dim sum, very yummy, and warming as well. And that all concludes for the first ever time we go out experience. It was all so sweet fonding memories.. After that supper, he drove me back and got back home, and back to his life where he least like to be.

It wasn't long before the next time that he start to ask me out again, and out to not anywhere, but Sentosa. After agreeing to it, minutes later, both of us met up at my void deck before we make our way there. And poor Elvis, few days before that very day we met, he caught flu and fever. And was pretty pressurized in his service and was not fully recovered yet. With everything, he wishes to get out of the house and have a breather of the air. Well, at some point, I do agree to the way things are and the way he react..

Who would like to stay at home the whole time, and sick and fever and thinking about his "workplace" and feel good about it? Well, probably if I wasn't so into sleeping and not lazy and doesn't care about convenience, I would have gone out and not stayed a single second at home like what he did. Hmm.. and a bit of grumbling, what are friends for right? And of course talking about M.O. and stuffs and feeling not so good. I wouldn't deny that sometimes, it is good to say it out to someone the things that have been bothering the person in the heart.

Soon arrived at Sentosa Tanjung beach once more, and we walked and strolled the beach everywhere on the beach. I can remember that I was in white Rip Curl singlet top and white beach shorts. All my belongings are left in his car, handphones, wallet, house keys, coins, etc. And what he brought with him was his car keys and house keys. We strolled to a spot that was cleaner than any other spot and we both seat down on it. That night was having high tide and you can really hear the sea splashes aggressively and there, stood the moon so round hanging in the mid sky, so beautiful.

Clouds are like bits and pieces of the moon's blankets with stars playing hide-and-seek with the clouds. And we talked, but this time, there seem to have more silence than the last time. Probably it was a night to enjoy just by siting there than to ruin it with long conversations. And then, something sparked me in my mind and thought of building sand. Talking piles and piles of sand and stack thinking of forming Kit Kat's bar shape, or even M&M's ovalish-round shape. It was a night with a lot of fun. But just then, there's trouble...

Elvis came to me telling me that he could find nowhere his house keys, when he placed his house keys near to where he placed his slippers and the keys were nowhere to be found. And it was 4 plus in the morning. I panicked just as he already have, and started searching everywhere for it, even if it means to get our shorts wet. Well, you see, as it was high tide, so the place where he placed his slippers could have been the sea shore by the time we were looking for it, or even in the sea.

All search has left us with no clues, nor results. And soon, all energies and hopes slowly slip us by. And due to the lateness of the night, we decided to cease all searches and go home. As he lost his house keys in the process, he have nowhere to go until the morning breaks. Nobody would want to bother their parents that late in the night, trust me. So, I thought maybe he can spend the night over at mine's, a place for him to wash up from the salty night and a place to rest his mind on for the night. Afterall, I used to have a little sofa bed in my room, and that can finally be opened up for some usage.

I gave Elvis my bed as I rested on the sofa bed. Not as comfortable, neither was it nice. It felt really hard and short (with my body) and have a really very uncomfortable high head rest. But luckily it was, I still had a bolster with me. And the hour of resting was so little before the morning sun starts to shine on my window. Elvis was sleeping beside me the next minute I took a turn.. Hmmm.. and then I 'uh-oh'ed. =o

Anyway, a short night it was, but seems so long a night. And the sun signal fo Elvis' to take his leave, on his way home for a rest that he would truely need as both a patient and someone who had less than 4 hours of rest in some stranger's house. And as for me, just go to bed and not to think about anything for now is the best policy. Afterall, who needs to trouble himself and get all tensed up, after a long night and little sleep? Well, for me, sleep is the most important thing in the World. A sleepless World probably means a short life span + unsatisfied life.

But then, deep in my mind, I suppose, a new form of omen has started to show it's way. What's in Elvis's mind about me? What was sleeping beside me all about? Wild thoughts, unfruitful thinking occupied my mind from time to time whenever it was empty for a short period of time. An another weekend later, I agreed to be with Benji. Although there was still a lot of holes to fill in order for the relationship to turn frutiful and functional, but thinking that if it was Benji's true self to give in to me, to do all that for me in love, all would turn out well eventually. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love VIII

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

Well, wasn't of anything like what you may thought of. Benji back then was as sticky and mushy little prick. I wasn't very into him back then, and neither was I with Benji already and well, thought of making moves on me, for instances, trying to lean towards me claiming that he is tired. Back then, I still believe in the word 'behave' very strictly. Especially with someone I just got to know for less then 24hours. Definitely it is a very big no-no to hanky panky in someone else's car of such depth.

But there onwards, a new form of friendship took place. It started off with me and Elvis to have lots of long talks and conversation through phone calls and MSN. Talking about nothing very specific, but everything under the sun. A way to get to know about one another better and usually like always, talking about the believe of love. Then again, one very specific phone call, we talked about Benji and I. We talked about the kind of stage Benji and I was at and what can be done, etc.

And out of nowhere, Elvis suggested that I should keep putting him on 'hold'. And well, telling Elvis that I have given Benji a period of one month before I decides to tell if Benji and I to be together or not. The part of one month is to have a longer period to look into things and people at their most true form. Something which I have come to realized from the period of my first love breakup until now. Is that, the most important thing in a person is his ultimate true self. How is that to be proven, almost unable, but you know that it is just you.

A little sharing of the 'ultimate true self' believe. Is this, you are who you are which you built on every since you are born with. You dun need people to teach you how to be you, but you just know. What the school teaches and parents teaching just builds on the true self as well. For example, if the true self have a great deal of patient, then you will never be tired of waiting. But if you don't have that in your true self, but just believing that you have, one fine day, your patience can easily run out of it and start to blame on whichever that makes you impatient. True self like this is something that usually never changes.

Anyway, back to the one month I spoke of earlier. Well, I wasn't very convinced by Elvis' suggestions though, but thought it is just as a form of joke to make Benji sounds silly and me sounds pranky. And one day, we thought of going to Sentosa for a walk, in the evening time with his car. And I was borned, and didn't visit Sentosa for a long long time, that I agreed to go as well. The weather was really very nice and windy. And we talked about a lot of things, a bit of NS, a bit of life and everything.

Never one moment was I bored or nothing to talk about. And back then, Sentosa was so beautiful without construction barriers and huge cranes and sanded roads. Just some quiet stretch of bridge connecting main island to Sentosa and looking at both sides are empty walk ways for pedestrians and sea. Tilting the heads up, you can see the cable cars and the clear dark sky with no visible stars, but lamp posts lighting the way of drivers.

And that would be the very first time I step foot onto the Sentosa at Tanjung beach. We walked side by side, looking down at where our feet lands and listening to the waves washing up the shore. The beach was empty! Quiet fills the gap of the waves and wind fills the gap of still air. The sand was a mix of moistened and coarse sand and soft and white sand and pieces of wood shacks everywhere big and small. And walking from one end of Tanjung beach to the other seems so leisure and free.

Elvis took the lead just as we walked and walked right to the most inner of Tanjung beach, and there was where you can see an end with bushes and big boulders stacked up to form the coast. And we went beyond the bushes, walking on shrubs and dirt paths. Don't think dirty now! We were at the very very end of the Tanjung beach.. and we seat down. The place was extremely calm and cool, with wind blows time to time and we talk as we look outwards into the sea.

I can remember very clearly, somehow, somewhat.. Elvis brought up a topic on his past relationship. Very sentimentally, things just started to pour out. He didn't in fact have a chance to really experience a real relationship. His dating life, people that claims like him, people that he did liked for, his life full of hopes and changes and dreams. So many many ambitions, I could almost feel that he was almost all drained just by thinking over all these one by one. The very position that we seated, I remember, was filled with stars and almost close to zero cargo ships.

Time passes us by so fast and we decided to head back to the car and go out for supper at Geylang. Seriosuly speaking, my very first time as well.. XD We went and had chinese dim sum, very yummy, and warming as well. And that all concludes for the first ever time we go out experience. It was all so sweet fonding memories.. After that supper, he drove me back and got back home, and back to his life where he least like to be. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love VII

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

Back in 'Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love IV', I forgot what was the exact scene and atmosphere it was. I forgot how my first relationship ended, but now I do. My memory came back to me and freshened up the feelings. Victor grew tired. You see, there seems to have a very big loop about a lot of information back then.

So, I shall explain a bit. Victor spends a lot of his time with pubs and clubs and friends be it weekdays or weekends. To be back then, it wasn't at all a problem, or rather, I wouldn't feel that there is a problem. But you see, gays can behave very different to different situations. For example, sometimes in a relationship, the partner seeks your attention when you are together, while other times, the partner doesn't so seek your attention.

In my case, Victor doesn't so seek my attention, even with me. Some what or another, maybe, he do seek a lot of others, friends as well as non-friends' attention. Which in a way, ended up as wind to the wave in the sea, and clouds to the rain in the sky. Rumors. Probably, a naive and straightforward person like me back then would have done as what would deem right, to ask and clarify.

Once, twice, clarifications done one after another. And just over clarifications, patience wore thinner than thin. Thinking that only his patience is the one that matters, he decided that it's time he put an end to it. He finally said it, 'I am tired', which eventually ended the relationship, as my previous posts, over SMSes. Well, I wasn't sad, more like upset then. I didn't mind a lot of things about him, for example, he got a girlfriend when we were together. And he worked as a waiter in Tantric which usually get the better of him.

Hmm.. Ah, now the picture looks so much more completed, probably covered 90% of everything. And you would ask where does the 10% goes to? Well, you see, it was not just over clarifications that do the job. Victor was beginning to show unfaithfulness and tainted symptoms the clarifications last made before he called it an end. An event that probably I could still remember as a form of "memory".

Victor was actually drunk one very night. After years of undrunkable drinking, getting drunk was still made happened. Maybe yes, maybe no, but what I was told was what he himself claimed to be yes. And thereafter, he was brought to someone else home and slept the night. Well, I personally wouldn't believe that nothing happen. Eventhough Victor claimed nothing. The truth is that the guy who brought him home and a common friend between I and Victor was present.

So, well, the truth is, confession is better than not and probably things can be cleared up and decide where do we head after that. But, well, probably Victor didn't thought of this as possible. Or probably choosing to lie would reserve some good impression in him and can at least still be friend after a breakup. The rest of the loop that I skipped are on purpose of not to fill it up, example, the showdown and confrontation of me and the common friend.

On the contrary, I suppose I owe everyone thing but just thanks, as the past would make my present happen no matter it be good or bad. So, how about we carry on from the previous that we left off?

Elvis understand that since Benji doesn't really stands firmly more than just being my boyfriend, he stands more chance. Utilising the most contemporary tactic, peer pressure, he planned his way to achievement. Outings are never just about me if you have guessed, its usually about us and this us is referring to my Family. Segregation of Family from me and him appears more obvious then ever, in every step to make him feeling uneasy and weird, unwelcome and not related. I felt it back then, and I can still remember the kind of staggering awkwardness, it is too much that I can't choose to ignore. But then again, that is altogether another story to be told.

Maybe I should paint a better picture of Elvis right from the start. Elvis, the only child brought up in an averagely-well to do family. Very hospitality trained and is definitely presentable in every aspect as a friend and in his field. He is the same age as me, in the same month as well, and in fact we are just days apart. Leo. Tall. Fair (as in not tanned). Slightly averagely-big size, neither can that be considered built nor muscled, neither chunky.

He drives a family car which was owned by his dad and behaves as what an average joe would behave, something like me. He serves his National Service as a Military Police Officer, just as I served mine as a Police Officer back then. How did we know each other is sort of fate and luck, a mix of both I think. Elvis saw me clubbing one fine night in Why Not without knowing who I was. And the day after, he sort of found my SGBoy (now called Trevvy) profile and privately messaged me.

Something like this, 'I saw you yesterday in Why Not, care to be friend?' or similar. And I finds no excuses not to know another friend, well, for the sake of friend only. So, I intiated saying the next time we meet up to go club together. And we did. Not every eventful, but definitely nice to remember. And after clubbing, if I wasn't wrong, around the time 3am, we decided to leave the club together and he decided to give me a lift. And we did.. with Benji's prescence already. The lift was an aweful 30-40 mins of silence..

Well, wasn't of anything like what you may thought of. Benji back then was as sticky and mushy little prick. I wasn't very into him back then, and neither was I with Benji already and well, thought of making moves on me, for instances, trying to lean towards me claiming that he is tired. Back then, I still believe in the word 'behave' very strictly. Especially with someone I just got to know for less then 24hours. Definitely it is a very big no-no to hanky panky in someone else's car of such depth. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Have a break.. from Love

This is something that probably told but not blogged about. But anyway, I thought probably, I should as well blog about it and refer to it as the thoughts of my mind whenever I have doubts. You see, I have made a very big decision sometime in 2009 which is going to affect me in the short run. And this decision don't seem to be very welcomed nor responded well when I begin to speak of it back then. It's as a matter of fact, something which I presume noone would have supported this decision anyway, after all we are living in a very 'now' century.

You see, back in 2008, I had this idea. This idea of thriving successes in career and academically, which ultimately, the offspring will be financial stability and intellectual-level benchmarking. And I had planned everything all out nicely and beautifully over the next five years. All about indulging in work and night-classes, befriending more books and texts on top of my social life and personal time. Living a life beyond what Singapore life already gotten me, beyond the 9-to-6 life.

And where do the energy and time come from? It comes from the single and available me. It comes from the already starting to learn to used to the tensed life of evening classes and working out my budgets with the pay from my salary no doubt they are peanuts. And finally the plan has gotten a head start soon after sometime in September (2008).

But here comes a few catches, one of those obvious turn out to be I don't wish to be involved in any relationship, love, dating, or even seeing someone. Something which I suppose was strongly criticized on, and disagreed to by many people that come across such "conditions". Who is to blame? No one! But anyway, shaken it maybe but I still feel it's there for some good personal reasons.

1. The one of those reasons which I think vaild: I wouldn't have time nor energy to initiate, conduct and maintain any of such acts (relationship, love, dating, seeing someone). And if I don't put in these required effort, I don't see a point in being in it. Similarly, why do you go into war zone knowing that you don't have enough resources?
2. Linking to another of my personal choice of getting serious for three relationships, I don't need to rush into my third one anyway. Well, after all I had two relationships count till now.
3. In the age of 20-30, probably, it wasn't the ideal age to get into settlement in Singapore (in gay context) I thought. See, in such critical age, in such competitive country, in such environment, people should be taking responsibilities more in getting career built-up, earning substantial income and making paths for the future. It wasn't easy for some parents to raise some kids up and supporting them financially for 20<>

Hmm.. Don't feel like going on elaborating about it further.. =X But then, after the 5 years, I do wish to at least have achieved a Masters in Accountancy and Certified Public Accountant certifications with roughly 3 years of Audit working experience. Hmm.. Plans mah, made to be achieved. Wish me good luck.

2009, the Year of Change

2009 is being labeled as the 'Year of Change' by us, as in me and my Family. Hmm, but then, what actually is this 'Year of Change' all about? You see, this year, we are expecting lots of changes to be made, to our lives, to our plans, to our interests, to almost anything under the Sun. Well, to certain perspectives, too many things have been left too peaceful and quiet along the years and years. Probably, it is finally a year where we thought about it, and make some changes to the way things have been around.

I suppose with all observation, the first biggest change that's happening is none other than Economic. To all available signs and symptoms showing Economic downturn and Financial Crisis affecting not only the US and Singapore, but World Widely. Terrors struck deep into people's mind, and Companies started to get more uptight with their spending. Recession is usually anything but unavoidable.

And little changes here, little changes there, and I discover that, changes are usually for the better. Although there are changes that are for the worse, but commonly, people would avoid changes.. in a whole. And slowly, I pondered left and right, what kind of changes should I avoid? What kind of changes should I be weary? And what kind of changes do I welcome with an open arm?.. Well, after all, it's a 'Year of Change' right?

Hmm.. and changes approach without giving a fore-warning. It seems to have caused quite a drastic result even though it's not long after 2008 parted us. Oh, yes, I do missed 2008 for the good times, events, songs, people, etc etc. And looking at where I am at now, I suppose I can't really take absolute control over changes, so I'm afraid be the changes good or bad, if it were to happen to me, it'll eventually do so.

Oh, but you know what? Out of all the changes, some, are of course, under control and requires action to be taken by choice, not chance. And some of those are, I have decided to take up a sport: Dragon boat. Not anytime soon though, but it's sure going to happen, just a matter of time. And a second change is that, I have decided to take up volunteer work. Hmm.. And with these two chances at sight, I am sure 2009 won't be that dry and bad after all! Cheers~

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!!!

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love VI

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

A little introduction about this guy Benji: He is the kind of everyday guy whom you see on the streets, not eye-catching at all, neither is he the kind of people's guy. It is very easy to missed him, if you don't even know him. His presence is like a breeze, for a moment you may mark him around, the next moment you may have forgotten about him being around. He don't socialize as much, neither does he the kind of guy who you would like to socialize with. If you have slightly more fate with him, you may ended up with him speaking of more then enough conversation in your whole life, if not, you wouldn't even bother but to just sustain a few 'hi's and 'have a great day'. A workaholic that doesn't really have the kind of measures as to what he can expect before things happen, but he sure is one big fan of determination and endurance.

This was the kind of guy I was with back then. This guy was very enthusiastic about me right from the start, and one of the reason that I wasn't really into him is that he is one of my pioneer friend's god brother and my friend is Jerald. A few more other implications such as he initially gave a lot of good impression that I really think doesn't last long, for instance, being so tolerable, and caring, etc. I mean, you will only care the person who mean whole lot of things to you and because you love him, so you do this for him, but later on in life, this "thing" that he upheld for you would only tire him off and give up on you, slowly by slowly, bits by bits.

He is a (seriously speaking from what I feel) "no life" person. He usually doesn't have much friends, and would wish to be with me almost 24/7 and ask of me to SMS him day-in day-out. And the way he loves are just disastrous, he loves with so much passion, that if he doesn't have passion anymore for the person, he will leave. This was the kind of guy I was with for two long years by the way. The initial flight was not good at all, mainly I was the contributor I believe. I wasn't into love and I was way more practical then now. He usually would be more enthusiastic than me when it comes to Valentines day and Birthdays and Christmases.

And I, on the other hand, I would be more concern with my Family: Anson, Shahul, Irwan, Lloyd, Derek, just to name a few. That is also in my terms by the way, that I would show more concern and care for my friends and Family compared to him, mainly because he is only satisfying one part of my life, and these other components are satisfying other parts of my life that affects me more than he do. I understood this from what I feel I do: Love would only leave a person heart broken, but friends and families are their to mend it with there presence and position; Love demand resources, but friends and families request for resources; Love is selfish, but friends and families are generous.

And so I was. And a tragedy was slowly growing ever since the night of my attachment, awaiting to explode one day. How? Why? Where shall I start? Okay, here it goes. I was deeply attracted to for a guy called Elvis. Who found to be deeply fond of me and be ever-so unconditional to love me and wants to be with me only to be found out after I was just attached the very day. He came to me, telling me how much he regretted not to voice out and let me know even before I was attached and still wished to have the chance of loving me, taking care of me. How about this? A little triangle relationship eh?

I was indecisive and loss, someone that just got to know me of less then two weeks or so and yet fell deeply for me so much so that even after knowing that I was attached still wished for my hands. On one thought, he is so unlike Benji, he is somewhat similar to me, so socialite and involved, emotional and passionate (just that I learned my limits), a very love-creature and knows how to handle situations and people. But on the other hand, he is also very similar to me on other ways, such as domineering if I have to, and persuasive if needed. And as I would also look into Astrology for guidance, it is a known fact that two Leos are hard to last. I am one, and unfortunately, Elvis is too.

To prevent hurting Elvis too hard, I being an indecisive and draggy person, choose to let Elvis stayed by my side as a friend whom loved me. Be around me just as I shower my attention to my friends, and hopefully Elvis finds someone he loved more then me, and that will be the time I give him my blessing and stays as just merely a normal friend and nothing more. Elvis and Benji each are battling for my attention and usually, Elvis would be the one to lose out, since Benji is my boyfriend in official. Elvis as of my character, tolerates and gives in. Just as Benji tolerates and gives in of Elvis staying around me. Uneasiness are only a term felt by both parties and I don't. For me, I expects and proactively reacts to situation I foresees, thus don't wish to dwell on things that I can't change.

I grew closer to Elvis due to a few facts, such as Elvis stays nearer to me and he drives, and also the facts that Elvis are more appealling and less awkward, and things seems brighter on Elvis side for a moment. We share lots of interests as well, unlike Benji. This is also one boring fact about Benji, is that, he doesn't really do things. All he do is stays at home and uses internet and nothing else seriously. When outside, he would stick to movies and meals and nothing else we could really do. Elvis have my experimentalistic character, we like to try and like to learn. We develops the kind of liking for stuffs and activities so fast, that proximity became imbalance, this is then I realise things have changed.

The kind of DVD we rented and watched together, go snacking and sharing of gay reading materials, and talking, sharing, so much so much, all was so vulnerable over a person's greed in getting what he wants, Me. Good times doesn't take long to be dusted and archive, Elvis became strangely and scaringly scheming. And jealousy is beyond overfilling and exploding... I left Elvis to shatter and torn. Elvis learned that Benji was not welcomed by the Family initially and is just a mere figure that existed because I am in the Family. Elvis learned that Benji has not much speaking power and has noone close enough to enhance his status as more than just my boyfriend. And knowledge grew to became power, just as words grew to became swords and daggers. He took his chance.

Elvis understand that since Benji doesn't really stands firmly more than just being my boyfriend, he stands more chance. Utilising the most contemporary tactic, peer pressure, he planned his way to achievement. Outings are never just about me if you have guessed, its usually about us and this us is referring to my Family. Segregation of Family from me and him appears more obvious then ever, in every step to make him feeling uneasy and weird, unwelcome and not related. I felt it back then, and I can still remember the kind of staggering awkwardness, it is too much that I can't choose to ignore. But then again, that is altogether another story to be told. TBC (To Be Continued)...

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2008!!!

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love V

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

But strange enough, that my memory served me too well, that it have totally lost track of how things have ended other then just three SMS. In a very day, on a very night, and I can clearly recall I was in Bugis area when I received his breakup SMS. I am able to recall I was more anger than sad, more disturbed than devastated. And immediately within 10days, I have rebounded back on my feet and mind and soul about him and start a life without him, but as friends. And now, that I dared to acknowledge that back then I was strong and simple. Life went on...

Nothing smells as good as single. The air, the feeling, the intensiveness and even the kind of conversation. It was really such a relieve. I caught the most natural and relaxing piece of breathe in the entire year. And all I need to do is enjoy while I could, enjoy the peace of single can get and the time one can offer. I clubbed as I would and drink as I would and of course, expand my social circle and friends as I would. But what I had in the past is no longer what I enjoyed there after. The group that I clubbed with, the people that I contacted with, and the people I hangout with... is like being segregated by a glass wall. You see them, can wave to them and say hi, but you can never be with them as the past, the proximity, is all gone just like dust.

I began to group hop whenever I club. I don't stick to a singular group, and even if I do, it won't be long before I start to hop to elsewhere again. But then, the group that I enjoyed the company then was with Shawn and Ken and group. This particular group is a mixed of a few unique cultural, and one of all is Drag Queens. A group pretty proactive to homosexual promotion and even organizes rainbow competition to go international to compete for the crowning of Drag Queen (can you imagine that?).. And by the way, Drag Queen basically means a guy who likes to put on makeup and dressed up and appear exactly like a woman (with boobs too).

It isn't long before the next cute raver that clubs in Why Not comes over to get to know me in person and start to fall for me. I wasn't really into relationship then of course, but that wasn't going to end there. I enjoy watching people fall in love, I enjoy being an observer and see the sweet lovey dovey couple remains happy. And the most important aspect of me came in, to observe construction and destruction of love in progress. Of course by staying as a non-involved person. That is where I was when I choose to be single. And other then not wanting a relationship, at the same time, I don't expect people to want one with me either.

Time and again, people misunderstood my actions and intentions. Then I began to understand, I have learned to become complicated after I learned how relationship works in human. Differentiation from heterosexual and homosexual, and the most unpleasant of all, bisexual. If you look things carefully, you can see that both the straights and the gays share a number of things in common, and the weakest link is the bi-people. Some way or another, a lot of things will pour in to a person life the least the person expects, for example, you may not want your life to be as happening as the waves of the sea, but things would normally happen the otherwise.

It seems short, but feels long, to feels that my easy and simple single hood is coming to a close end. I ended up being fond and showered with love from nine (I repeat, nine, as in 9) people. Each of which knows me in a different situation, a different way, at a different time, pursued me, trying to persuade me into relationship (or maybe so, I thought). And least do I expect me myself to choose to be attached to someone in this manner, in the most undesirable manner of being in a relationship not because of wanting to be in a relationship with the person.

You will be able to hear tons and millions of sweet words such as "I only want to be with you...", "I would be single even if I were not picked...", "I wish to love you more...", "Where are you, I want to meet you...", etc etc. Imagine that from nine different people. Well, ultimately, I asked one person to give me one month grace period to consider if I would be with him, one intention is to "buy" time, another is to verify his probability to be with me, and third would be to embrace my last few periods of freedom. And so the clock starts ticking, and counting down. To say the word most truly, I wasn't very keen initially, but once started, I will learn in my own ways to develop keenness for the person.

The very night the countdown reaches zero, is a Saturday that I would clubbing. And as it is close to 12mn, we excused ourselves to the open air for some space of my own. I asked if is this really what he wanted, and he said yes. And I furthermore drew my territory by starting lots of my terms and lots of conditions, and he agreed all at the same go. And there was the time and period when my other eight pursuers gotten disappointed and one emerged to be deemed both lucky and important to me from then onwards, I declared to be in a relationship with this guy, called Benji.

A little introduction about this guy Benji: He is the kind of everyday guy whom you see on the streets, not eye-catching at all, neither is he the kind of people's guy. It is very easy to missed him, if you don't even know him. His presence is like a breeze, for a moment you may mark him around, the next moment you may have forgotten about him being around. He don't socialize as much, neither does he the kind of guy who you would like to socialize with. If you have slightly more fate with him, you may ended up with him speaking of more then enough conversation in your whole life, if not, you wouldn't even bother but to just sustain a few 'hi's and 'have a great day'. A workaholic that doesn't really have the kind of measures as to what he can expect before things happen, but he sure is one big fan of determination and endurance. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love IV

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

I didn't react gentlemanly enough to cover him up, but in fact, fanned the situation further and ended up with some steamy night. Since it was the 'dark room', it was well equipped: condoms, lubricant, tissue wipe, etc. By the time both of us are ready to drop back to the mattress and lie dead, the day broke and that's when we rested for real.

I back then, was a very innocent and green person, and worst is the society structured me in a way that I am the most honest and "integritised" human being that I ever know of as well, after all, I am serving NS in SPF. The kind of relationship that I was into was very not clear-cut and unspecified. Indescribable it was, my days are very routine, and the relationship is merely a "free-time" thing.

I can still recalled that the kind of time I was given is very scheduled: 12 hours in the day, reporting to the headquarter early in the day, meet up with my team mates and have breakfast together and start work, which usually ends around 6-7 in the evening; that starts another day of 12 hours in the evening the next day of shift and ends early in the morning, have breakfast with my team mates and rest; and the morning and the next day is my off day. That's my life, my days and my time then.

And for him, Victor spends his time in a altogether different way. Just to name a few, going Sentosa suntanning, meet up with his friends for catchup, and go pubs in the night. A very relaxed and at the same time unproductive manner. If I remembered correctly, he was into Multi-Level Marketing (or MLM for short) back then. Not to be biased, but quite an ambitious person with the kind of unproductive lifestyle was his cup of tea. Not very structured, not very regular kind of lifestyle. Almost like waiting to be fed in another words.

The only time that I would get to see him, have a really good chat and a close look at him, is merely when I go to club. Clubbing was my kind of night whenever I am not on shift. Whether on Friday or Saturday, it doesn't seem to be different to me. And also one thing about Victor is that he was working in this pub during the weekend and its called Tantric. A very pleasant place to drink if you enjoy the kind of Caucasian cruising scene and touchy hands that you don't even know where they might misplaced next, and of course seeing people of great generation gaps standing and sitting side by side drinking is the kind of scene I am referring to.

Well, if you ask me if I club to see him, I would answer no. But if you ask me if I am there to club, would I wish to see him, I would say yes. That was the kind of me back then. And the most enjoyable thing that I do then, was just to sit down and drink with Victor and talk. Seeing him drink is just something that usually catches my eyes (and many other things about him catches my attention). If you were to make assumptions that he was a social butterfly, I would most probably say he is.

Thinking back now, reminds me a lot of things about him. His smiles and the kind of jokes he usually crap about. His voice is practically music to my ears, even though he don't talk as much as I would. Face is not as handsome, or as charming, but to me, they are all enough to fall for. He is almost like my dream (not the dream guy, but the dream itself). Doesn't have much bad habits, but if I have to pick one, it will be the impractical side of him. He is definitely a dependent partner if he is with anyone, and a good lover if anyone were to ask.

But strange enough, that my memory served me too well, that it have totally lost track of how things have ended other then just three SMS. In a very day, on a very night, and I can clearly recall I was in Bugis area when I received his breakup SMS. I am able to recall I was more anger than sad, more disturbed than devastated. And immediately within 10days, I have rebounded back on my feet and mind and soul about him and start a life without him, but as friends. And now, that I dared to acknowledge that back then I was strong and simple. Life went on... TBC (To Be Continued)

A Vexy Day

This would be one of those days that I am both heart-trapped and mind-troubled and yet racing and battling against time in search of the cure to the source of such bother. One that is able to think and logically construct a reasonable and valid solution, and two it got to consider other intangible complications as well which normally includes things like people's feelings, emotions, etc. Not that I am a trouble seeker, nor am I too free and found nowhere to utilize the same effort and so entangled myself. Well, noone may understand why and what, even though I know exactly why and what it is.

Such a feeling is best described to as vex and the best solution to it is talk it out. Talking is important, at the same time, this talking is very crucial as well. For example, how you talk things out affects the outcome.. Or how about this, the time you choose to talk things out affects the outcome as well, and many other variables. Most important determinants in such a situation in specific, I would think is the people involved. Best kept as two person, but sometimes it just involved more. Talking over the vex feelings is a way to express views under a bit of duress and a bit of extreme conditions of non-ideal environment, which to what I think, doubly adds on the reason to talk.

Only by talking, ideas can be put to known.. And only by talking, the message can be transmitted.. And only by talking, expressions are understood.. And only by talking, can there have a tendency of better communication through vocal. Such communication is important is all circumstances and is applicable to most suggestions you can come up with. Since such a communication is important, there are times when communications ain't as effective or ain't efficiently communicated. So in order for the communication to be effectively and efficiently put across, it requires a general understanding of the concept of one talker and one listener, or one speak and one receive, ideally.

As of the understanding of speaking and receiving, whenever there are more than one speaking and there's only one receiving, the receiving role will overload and mis-communicates. Similarly for one speaking and there's more than one receiving, the different receiver will all capture different things and come up with a lot of different answers, and thus, overloading. And that explains the ideal concept of one speaking and one receiving. Doesn't that just sound wonderful?

Well, no. I didn't have the opportunity to do all those =(