A Vexy Day

This would be one of those days that I am both heart-trapped and mind-troubled and yet racing and battling against time in search of the cure to the source of such bother. One that is able to think and logically construct a reasonable and valid solution, and two it got to consider other intangible complications as well which normally includes things like people's feelings, emotions, etc. Not that I am a trouble seeker, nor am I too free and found nowhere to utilize the same effort and so entangled myself. Well, noone may understand why and what, even though I know exactly why and what it is.

Such a feeling is best described to as vex and the best solution to it is talk it out. Talking is important, at the same time, this talking is very crucial as well. For example, how you talk things out affects the outcome.. Or how about this, the time you choose to talk things out affects the outcome as well, and many other variables. Most important determinants in such a situation in specific, I would think is the people involved. Best kept as two person, but sometimes it just involved more. Talking over the vex feelings is a way to express views under a bit of duress and a bit of extreme conditions of non-ideal environment, which to what I think, doubly adds on the reason to talk.

Only by talking, ideas can be put to known.. And only by talking, the message can be transmitted.. And only by talking, expressions are understood.. And only by talking, can there have a tendency of better communication through vocal. Such communication is important is all circumstances and is applicable to most suggestions you can come up with. Since such a communication is important, there are times when communications ain't as effective or ain't efficiently communicated. So in order for the communication to be effectively and efficiently put across, it requires a general understanding of the concept of one talker and one listener, or one speak and one receive, ideally.

As of the understanding of speaking and receiving, whenever there are more than one speaking and there's only one receiving, the receiving role will overload and mis-communicates. Similarly for one speaking and there's more than one receiving, the different receiver will all capture different things and come up with a lot of different answers, and thus, overloading. And that explains the ideal concept of one speaking and one receiving. Doesn't that just sound wonderful?

Well, no. I didn't have the opportunity to do all those =(

Part-Time Jobbing, which part do you not understand?

You know, sometimes I really wonder how structured is the system an economy can get. For one very specific aspect such as employment seeking, how structured it can get? How much did the workers know about the exact details of employment? Terms and conditions? Government guidelines? Policies and Benefits? Restrictions of Job Titles? I somehow felt that there is so much more the society can improve and further make me feels like 'hey, I ain't that ignorant and useless ok..' :P

Generally, all of it happens like this.. I decided to seek part-time employment in accounting job scope for permanent this time round after my examination was over and after my class started immediately the week after that (by the way result not out yet, so anxious about the result). And so, as according to the norm, I am required to send resumes out to the respective interested positions that I wanted to apply in the form of E-mail. Leaving behind my contact numbers and some other details in my job search, so as to better regulate them if they happen to want to contact me and schedule an interview of some sorts.

And as always, the job searching agency usually floods the job searching website more than the employer's job candidates searching advertisement. And thus, most of my interested callers are job searching agents. I discover they usually have two very common questions which they have problem in understanding and what are those you may want to know, they are, 'may I know what do you mean by part-time?' and 'why do you want to look for part-time?' And thus, what would I answer them in a repeative way which I explains to all of the people who asked so:

What do you mean by part-time?
What I meant by part-time is a search for the job that can allows me to work about the guidelines of 30hours (but the job agents rather here 32hours) or working four out of five work days in a weekday. Seriously I suppose most people wouldn't know that actually I am referring directly from latest 2007 update on part-time requirement and context, which noone really knows that I think. And added that if the employers require me to work every weekday (five weekdays) then I would knock off equivalently at 4pm. Which part of calculation they can't understand that 9am-4pm everyday adds up to 30hours? Seemingly they could still ask why.. And I really also puzzled what is meant by 'why'.

Why do you want to look for part-time?
This is more like a personal reason which I have no problem putting it in words, but yet, people tend not to understand. Ok, allow me to say it this way, I am currently studying part-time degree near to City Hall and but then the study load that I am given is the study load of a full-time student that requires me to contribute most of my time in studies compared to a usual part-time student. Whom would choose to take things in a less tense and less compact manner.. It will be required to attend classes averagely four times per week. And next would cause them as 'why do you want to knock off at 4pm?' implying that my class is at 7pm and knocking off earlier wouldn't help me in anyway (in the viewpoint of a job agent which sounds so insensitive). I shall not go into that, but basically, it will pose a threat to the time I can contribute to my study which eventually effects my modular results.

Well, my objective of this post is to make everyone who read this aware that there can have more improvements done on such an important process such as employment searching. Employment searching are important as if the employment process are not fitting, the employees won't turn up motivated working for the company in the end. People can learn to be less inclined towards trying to clinch quantity clients and more inclined for quality employments, doesn't it sounds like some vision to look forward to? I do feel it's achieveable, eventhough I know people are both careless and lazy people. It that a different way to feel trust?

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love III

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

'A few nice memories got me remembered that I caught 'Crying out Love, in the center of the World' and Wet Dreams 2 and a few more other nice movies with Irvine.. Irvine did make a very good movie critics and was a very good movie kaki to go movie with then. And is one of my most frequent hobbies I like to do from time to time. Those were the time when things are just purest and sweetest with no intentions to think of and nothing to worry or care about. And Victor on the other hand, hold a part of the turning key to what I had then.. And The part that Irvine wants to date me is somewhere during this sweet little July till my birthday, one of the very very fine day.'

With such a date, we took things slow and I mean it.. SLOW. We sometimes can skip a few weeks and resume some meetings and from time to time, we are able to click really well. This is when Victor comes in the picture. On a very fateful day, Victor asked if we could meet and I was just knocked off from my NS day "work" and on my way to Aljuined station (back then) for a class (Diploma). And he met me somewhere at Chinese Garden stop. And of course I agreed.. since I didn't met up with him before and out of sudden he initiated, so why not? And so when I reached the stop, I just get off the train and walk backwards to find him.. to my amazement, my Kent didi was there.. and it was then that I realized that they exchanged numbers on the day of celebration for my birthday.

So the three of us traveled to Aljuined area and there is where I had my quick meal and rush off for my class. I personally ain't petty or what that I can remember something so small, just that I find it was one of the major shifting point of my story. So [skip.. skip.. skip] it reach a very day that I was on a phone conversation with Kent didi and then suddenly out of curiosity I popped-out this question, 'how do you find Victor?' and then later on admitted that I had a very unique (and positive) feeling towards him that I don't know what is it known as also. And we shared a lot more other similar linking conversation and later on knowing that Victor sent Kent didi back home and then no transport to travel back home and they were trying to figure out what to do. [I ain't involved after that]

And comes one very fine Friday that I went for my weekly routine clubbing both Friday and Saturday. And what actually happened was that I enjoyed my clubbing session as usual, had a few drinks and gulps of liquor, lots of dancing and moving around the dance floor and such. Usually ended around 3am and I proceed to have some food in Maxwell, all so usual, until Victor was about to make his way to a gay spa (usual spa facilities) called 'V-Club'. And he asked if I am tired and interested to follow him to there to rest as there's "rooms" available to rest. In a general understanding, in a room a lot of things could happen, e.g. sleep.. but in this specific issue (I was unaware back then..) means sex.

I followed him, we chatted as happily and comfortably as what we usually do and then minutes later, reached. And then as a newbie, they issued towel and a locker key to me.. which I was still not very aware of it figuratively, but literally. A locker is to put stuffs and secure it safely, and a towel is to wipe yourself dry that is. But then later looking at how Victor does it, he took off everything that's on him and then covered with the towel and locked every other things within the locker.. kind of shy then, I followed. And then we proceed to use a bit of the sauna room and such. During the sauna room, we just happened to be discussing about Kent didi, who was back then, still with Nelson and both are equally important to me as a friend and yet have problems with their communication. And suddenly it came to a point Victor slipped his tongue saying Kent didi likes him... (OMG!)

I was like suddenly showed extreme attention and keep asking a lot of 'and then...?' and guessed was was Victor's response? Victor said something like this, 'Kent is still young and thinking is still a bit childish. I wouldn't pick him even if he likes me, or rather, compare him to you, I rather pick you..' I was like so shy and just replied with a 'orh...' And later on, after most of the facilities he wanted to use we have been through, we took shower together. The concept of the shower there was open concept, which was nothing special, as in NS, most people would have to get use to bathe side by side nakedly with other guys. And so I did.. It was dark as there wasn't any light around back then as it could be sometime around 5am maybe that they would switch off most light and proceed to resting in the "rooms". And by the way, the 'rooms' have a name to it, and they called it 'dark rooms'.

It was dark, but nonetheless, with the availability of light, I did take glimpse after glimpse of his naked body.. and it doesn't take me long before erm.. I was erected. Simply true and feel it is normal to openly discuss about this now. I enjoyed what I saw and well, he did, of course, I think, saw my erection. Well, and after that we just quickly finish up and get dried and wrapped and turn in for the night. The 'dark room' is small, just like a room no bigger then maybe a 6m by 5m and the bed is just a thin sponge mattress with a toilet roll's holder behind the door area. And well, that is when I popped the question if he wish to be with me (which is I guess a rush and yet very deep romance decision) and he said yes and we rested.

Yeah, rested means sleep in most context, but in this, it merely meant closing of eyes. I can't get used to the mattress for one and second, it is the very first time I slept on the same mattress with someone I like a lot. Minutes ticked and minutes tocked and then he suddenly spoke and ask if I was still awake. I opened my eyes and said yes, and we just casually conversed as in 'I thought you are tired, why ain't you sleeping?', 'so, do you come here often?', etc. And then come to a point when we intended to tease one another by tickling, and suddenly through the struggle and tickle and giggle, Victor's towel loosened and opened up. Of course I didn't notice it immediately, but until a struggle of x minutes that we both grew exhausted from struggling, then I start to notice the "oops".

I didn't react gentlemanly enough to cover him up, but in fact, fanned the situation further and ended up with some steamy night. Since it was the 'dark room', it was well equipped: condoms, lubricant, tissue wipe, etc. By the time both of us are ready to drop back to the mattress and lie dead, the day broke and that's when we rested for real. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Lake House

This is one of my favorite movie that I have caught in 2006. One of the most memorable movie to me, and touched me the most during that period of time, and gave me most of my courage to Love then. Lake House, a movie with Keanu Reeves as Alex Wyler and Sandra Bullock as Dr Kate Foster in the story. And out of the sudden urge, I watched it again.

Feeling that it’s time for a change in her life, Dr. Kate Forester leaves the suburban Illinois locale where she completed her residency and takes a job at a busy Chicago hospital. One thing she is reluctant to leave behind is the uniquely beautiful house she has been renting – a spacious and artfully designed refuge with large windows that overlook a placid lake. It’s a place in which she felt her true self.

It is a winter morning in 2006.

On her way to the city, Kate leaves a note in the mailbox for lake house’s next tenant, asking him to forward her mail and noting that the inexplicable painted paw prints he might notice by the front door were there when she moved in.

But when the next tenant arrives, he sees a much different picture. Alex Wyler, a talented but frustrated architect working at a nearby construction site, finds the lake house badly neglected: dusty, dirty, overgrown with weeds. And no sign of paw prints anywhere.

The house has special meaning for Alex. In a happier time it was built by his estranged father (CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER), a renowned architect who let his professional acclaim grow at the expense of his family life. Alex feels a sense of peace here now and commits to restoring the property to its original beauty. He disregards Kate’s note until, days later, while painting the weather-beaten jetty he sees a stray dog run across the fresh paint and then towards the entrance of the house, leaving paw prints exactly where she said they’d be.

Baffled, Alex writes back, saying that the house had no occupant before him and wondering how she could have known about the dog; while Kate, who just left it a week ago imagines he is playing some kind of joke on her and fires back a reply.

Just for argument’s sake, what day is it there?

April 14, 2004.

No, she says. It’s April 14, 2006.

The same day, two years apart.

Can this be happening?

As Kate and Alex continue to correspond through the lake house’s mailbox they confirm that they are, incredibly, impossibly, living two years apart, and each at a time in their lives when they are struggling with past disappointments and trying to make a new start. Sharing this unusual bond, they reveal more of themselves to one another with each passing week – their secrets, their doubts and dreams, until they find themselves falling in love.

Determined to bridge the distance between them at last and unravel the mystery behind their extraordinary connection, they tempt fate by arranging to meet. But, by trying to join their two separate worlds, they could risk losing each other forever.
Synopsis by Cinemas-OnLine.co.uk, 23 Jun 2006

The scene that I loved the best is the walk on a very Saturday during the summer after according to the map showing the sequence of visit places. Just as they were introducing their likings and each others commitment and Alex claims that he is married and have 8 children and none of them look like him. After that, they both make a joke out of it and claims single.. How sweet can they get. And the part that makes me teared (yes, I teared) is the ending.. What's the ending? I am sure it would cause most people tear.. A happy ending of course, shouldn't sat anything more then that. For those who haven't watched the movie, give it a try, you won't get away empty handed and I'm sure you will love it. My grading for it: 5 out of 5 stars.

Black Homophobia, Gay and Lesbian Racism

Firstly, I really wish for anyone who gets to read this really read this carefully. I really admired the writer's way of putting such a grand and enormous picture into an article in the most politically acceptable manner. And for the concerns of homosexuality, I guess, the writer really deserves my respect. And I really wish the World (everyone) to read this article with an open-mind. Thank you.

In reference to Prop 8 and the result, I actually tripped by Fridae and discovered an article (News & Features) probing into the Prop 8 situation saying, 'Are black people homophobic? Are gays and lesbians racist? Shinen Wong weighs in on the debate as African American voters are blamed for the passage of Prop 8 which has effectively banned same-sex marriage in California.' (Fridae: News & Features article, 21 Nov 2008) And the article below:

We all live in a myriad of identities, wound up tightly within our sense of ourselves, giving meaning to who we are. I am 24 years old, male, Chinese, Malaysian, Asian, Gay, Queer, College educated, Buddhist, from a Middle Class background, and a writer. All of these identities make sense depending on who is asking. I am racially “Chinese” in Singapore, “Oriental” in the UK, “East Asian” in America, and “tángrén" (唐人) in China. At the age of 24, I am an adult to most 15-year-olds, and a youth to most 40-year-olds. All of these identities are highly contingent on what they are being compared against, and the context in which they may find themselves especially relevant (or not).

Yet, none of my identities can exist apart from one another. My being Chinese alone is meaningless. I am not only Chinese, I grew up in Singapore in the late 20th century, speaking English at home and taught all my major subjects in school in English. I have lived as an immigrant my whole life (being a Malaysian citizen growing up in Singapore), and I was part of a racial majority in Singapore. My parents are of Hakka, Cantonese, and Hokkien background, and spoke Bahasa Melayu growing up in Malaysia. All this affects how I live as a Chinese person in today’s world. I only superficially share the same Chinese identity as people from China, or Chinese Americans, or Chinese people growing up in the UK or in South Africa, or Chinese people who speak Hainanese at home, or Chinese people from the Tang Dynasty. And yet, all of us can claim to share a rich cultural heritage of being Chinese, even if we effectively have less in common to carry on a conversation with each other than I would have with my gay Caucasian roommate here in Sydney.

The same is true for the other identities I have listed. How can my experience of being gay possibly be the same as a 50-year-old Jewish man growing up post-war Germany? And yet, we may both call ourselves gay, though the root definition of the word remains only a flimsy description of who we are in our totality. It is helpful and perhaps even necessary to identify similarly, to a point, until our differences start to override our similarities, and we will have to come to terms with and reconcile ourselves in our differences in order to make meaning out of our interactions with each other.

Nevertheless, most of us have an intuitive understanding of what it means to belong to such and such identity group, whether it be about sex, gender, national identity, racial/ethnic identity, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, and so on. In other words, we understand that having an identity means understanding that there are unspoken rules and definitions of what it means to belong, and we either fit or do not fit these definitions. Most of us on fridae.com have heard the idea that lesbians are all angry man-hating feminists, or that gay men are furniture-rearranging flamboyant narcissists, or that Asian men are submissive and white men are lecherous, and so on. Some of us may fit these descriptions to some extent, while some of us do not. And yet it remains, that one image of a group starts to dominate what it means to be part of the group at all. This is what it means to “stereotype” a community.

Stereotypes may have a basis in statistical truth. At the very least, they have a basis on what images of who we are get to dominate the discussion of who we are in the media, our classrooms, conversations with our friends, or at home with our families.

One of the interesting things about this recent debate about disproportionately high rates of African American voters (70 percent) voting YES on Proposition 8 (which has effectively banned same sex marriage in the state of California), is that it unfairly places the burden of responsibility for social justice activism on a single race group, and has unnecessarily bolstered the racism that characterises a lot of American LGBT politics. African Americans, in their experience of legendary American racism, are suddenly expected to just be more educated about ALL forms of oppression, as if black folks are intrinsically just predisposed to greater moral understanding of all oppression, what has been called a “presumption of civic obligation to support other liberal causes.” This expectation and presumption has been called “exceptionalism.”

The truth, as any of us will know coming from marginalised communities ourselves, is far more complex. Many of us know that gays and lesbians are disproportionately more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, or to commit suicide, and yet we would abhor if our sexuality was directly correlated with drugs, alcohol, and suicide by straight people. This mentality would lend support to the stereotype of gay people as mentally unstable, because we are gay. For many straight folks, our homosexuality alone is the reason for mental instability. We know better, of course. We understand that the root causes of our community’s abuse of drugs and alcohol and mental instability is NOT related to our homosexuality per se, but instead to our oppression, society’s lack of acceptance of us, isolation, and a lack of social support.

Similarly, when African American folks suddenly become the target of blame for the passing of Prop 8, one must wonder, what are the root causes of black homophobia? Is it that black people are just inherently more homophobic than any other racial group? Or could it be that society at large, including the wider LGBT movement, has inadequately addressed the concerns that African Americans disproportionately face? For example, racism in education and a corrupt prison industrial complex that incarcerates African American males at rates far higher than comparable crimes by Caucasian American men? If the No on Prop 8 campaign was to significantly send its message across to African American communities, how could this have been better achieved?

One of the banes of the gay and lesbian movement, particularly in the fight against Prop 8, has been to target and demonise Christianity as the root of all homophobia. And yet, this is ultimately a very myopic move for our liberation. Christianity and religious revivalism in America has historically also been the very tool that has vitalised a cohesive African American identity. In other words, when we speak ill of Christianity because of its contemporaries’ treatment of homosexuality, we indirectly speak ill of the very religion and spirituality that has been a symbol of many African American people’s freedom from literal bondage.

If it is true that Christianity has played a significant part in creating and sustaining all American homophobia (regardless of race), and I am not denying that it has, we must NOT deny that this religion has also brought an IMMENSE amount of relief from suffering, and in fact has helped catalyse monumental changes for historically disenfranchised groups in America as well, including and especially African Americans. This, of course, is not enough. Christianity needs to be reformed if we are to make significant changes in a majority of people’s mindsets about homosexuality. And yet, this reform cannot come in the form of a blanket condemnation or even a blindness to the libratory potential that this complex religion has had for entire communities of people including gays and lesbians.

Since the release of information on African American voting patterns regarding Prop 8, there have circulated reports from African American individuals about having been harassed and called racist names by white gays and lesbians. If black people are homophobic, doesn’t this equally mean that gays and lesbians are racist? My argument is neither yes nor no, but that to answer this question would be redundant. There are, after all, black gays and lesbians, who are no less black or gay or lesbian than any other black person or gay/lesbian person.

Basically, racism is racism, whether from gays or straights, though as gay Asians, we may experience racism from our gay community differently than from a straight community. Similarly, homophobia is homophobia, and has multiple causes, of which race is but one, and possibly not even the most significant one. It is tempting to think that black people or Asian people or Hispanic people are more homophobic than white people, but this is a misleading charge, even when backed by supposed statistical evidence. Evidently, “we,” as non-black gays and lesbians, are prepared to experience homophobia differently from African American voters than from white Mormons. We need to address our community’s racism.

As Audre Lorde, a famous African American lesbian feminist has written, “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” Not all black people are homophobic, not all Christianity is homophobic, and certainly not all gays and lesbians are racist. If “we,” as gays and lesbians, are to request other people’s understanding of who we are and why we deserve our needs to be met, we cannot fight homophobia with racism and religious intolerance. We cannot become blind to the cycles of poverty that disproportionately impact communities of colour in the USA. We cannot combat fundamentalist religious dogma with our own brand of violent and anti-spiritual atheism. We cannot close our ears to the needs of people who may have closed their ears to ours.
(Shinen Wong, Fridae: News & Features Article: Black homophobia, gay and lesbian racism, 21 Nov 2008)

Infinite Abbreviations

Introduction
What is this post suppose to talk about?
Changes of the forms of words and short phrase of words seemingly to have evolved throughout the computer age. And most certainly, it is not surprising how ignorant sometime people can be on such growth of English and usage of English. Thus come the purpose of me, sharing with you interesting short-forms that is used and available to use that is actually acceptable to convey the things that you want. Sounds interesting ain't it? Why not let's give it a try and learn a few along the way =)


Anyplace, Anywhere, Anytime = 'A3'
As A Friend = 'AAF'
All Completely Useless = 'ACU'
All Day I Dream About You = 'ADIDAU'
Any Excuse Will Do = 'AEWD'
As Far As I Know = 'AFAIK'
Away From Keyboard = 'AFK'
Another Insulting Deceptive Announcement = 'AIDA'
At The Moment = 'ATM'
Asian = 'AZN'
Back At Keyboard ='BAK'
Boyfriend Being Mean = 'BBM'
Because = 'BC'
Blouse Full Of Goodies = 'BFOG'
Be Healthy And Happy = 'BH&H'
Best Kept Secret = 'BKS'
Beware Of Many Boys Around You = 'BOMBAY'
Been There, Done That = 'BTDT'
Been There, Done That, Got The T-Shirt And Wore It Out = 'BTDTGTTSAWIO' (Wow, Bitchy, I like this one especially)
Because You Deserve What Every Individual Should Enjoy Regularly = 'BYDWEISER'
In close reference to Abbreviations.com

-End-

Philosophy: Lost and Found

Have you in any circumstances experienced something like this:

One day when you are looking for something (anything) and discovered is not in it's usual place. Thus, you decides to look around for it. Looking for it everywhere, highs and lows, almost turned the room, or even the house, upside-down inside-out. And ended up tired and upset knowing that you still didn't manage to find the thing you needed for the moment. Well, you tried your best and things didn't get done in the end.

And so the next thing you can do is either to borrow from someone who has it for that moment, or get a new one. In the midst of time, you still do miss the one that you have just lost. And the new one serves the best condolence to you. It serves you just the way it should, and do the things it would, and the best part is, it is new. It didn't take you long to re-adapt to this one and soon, everything is easily slipped the mind of you that somewhere in the room, there lies the old one that used to serve you the exact same things this new one did.

The biggest joke of all is that, just when all is gone and lost, one fine day, you tripped over the old thing and to your shocking, is the one you were looking for high and low that very day you felt as if you have lost it. You slowly picked yourself up and bend forward and pick the thing up, dusted it off a little. Take a closer look at it, and there is nothing's changed to it, just the way it was last remembered of. But then, come to think of it, you wouldn't need two of the same thing, and to your frustration, it wasn't there when you needed it back then.

Familiar I suppose? For some, it could be house keys, maybe a wallet that you used for years, or a book that you enjoyed so much, etc. Or sometime, to make things slightly different, it may come back to you the exact same time the new one is not doing what it should.. Does that deserve a different outcome altogether? Something for everyone to think and discover... And feel free to comment on what may have happened to your Lost and Found experience. And to the most of my discoveries, the same philosophy also could come applicable to intangible "things" as well, example, love.

But you know what I think? I find this kind of experience spooky... I hope I won't lose anything soon :)

'Better In Time' by Leona Lewis

It’s been the longest winter without you
I didn’t know where to turn to
See somehow I can’t forget you
After all that we’ve been through

Go in, come in
Thought I heard a knock
Who’s there? no one
Thinking that I deserved it
Now, I realize that I really didn’t know
You didn’t notice, you mean everything
Quickly I’m learning, to love again
All I know is, Imma be ok

Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals to, oh yeah
(it’ll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to, uhhuhh
(it’ll all get better in time)

How could I turn on the tv, noooohhh
Without something there to remind me, uhm uhm
Was it all that easy
to just put aside your feelings?

If I’m dreaming
Don’t wanna let, hurt my feelings
But thats the path, I believe in
and I know that, time will heal it
You didn’t notice, you mean everything
Quickly I’m learning, to love again
All I know is, Imma be ok

Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals to, ohh yeah
(it’ll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
(it’ll all get better in time)

Since theres no more you and me (no more you and me)
It’s time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is ill be fine without you
Yes, I will

Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals to, ohhohhh
It’ll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
Yes, I do
It’ll all get better in time

Thought I couldn’t live without you
It’s gonna hurt when it heals to, ohhohhh
(it’ll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to
(Sandmile, Your Song Lyrics, 8 March 2008)

This song speaks a lot for my family members, both Anson didi and Shahul korkor, and me. I guess when things usually do what it does best, this is the best song to sew up the wounds and get prepared to move on. I do believe in the lyrics and love the music. Even though the club remix is so much hotter, I do prefer the original which has less "preservatives" and more feel. For all victims of Love and heart-throbbed passionate people, enjoy =)

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love II

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

'I was observing the situation and he seems to click very easily with crowds he hardly know. Soon gather.. soon cut the cake.. soon Victor gotta leave and I walked him to the taxi. An unforgettable night it was. Jia Jun was drunk, Muk was with YX, Jerald, Nelson and Kent was busy chatting around, and Irvine starts introducing me several way to drink liquor, eg. Screwdriver. And hit the club in the later night.. Nice planning right? Night went smoothly, and enjoyed it so much.'

A little introduction about this date of mine then, Irvine. He is a real gentlemen working and studying, shows high independence and high time-upkeep. Not very tall, and is somewhere around my ear-loop area in height, and a bit baby fat. Very patient person and his best quality I appreciated most is willingness. Both generous with his time and effort to me then, and really dotes on me. Well, then I was only around 19 years old and new in the circle, while for him, he was already in the circle years before I did and is 2-3 years older than me. The most attractive part of him to me then was his two small eyes. So imagine...

Back to the story, so from that very day onwards, everything goes back to normal lifestyle. Usual reporting to my "work place", "school" and home in a dull routine manner. And weekends then is spending time with Irvine, well, go out that is. (Caution: All events are not listed in time order, it is arranged in a random order) And one of those really special night that means a lot to me that happened even before my birthday then (with proper evidence and is documented somewhere around June) then was that we met up and he brought me to one of this dim sum restaurant, De Bao. He just know where to bring me to eat, seriously. It wasn't expensive and the food taste really great.. So basically, we easily spent 2hour plus seated in there slowly have our bites as we chatted.

I wouldn't relate that as a dating experience.. The feeling of it wasn't dating at all, it feels so familiar and comfortable unlike what I expected dating should feel. You know, all tense up and feels shy and heart-accelerated. But no, everything seems really nice and easy and we really hit topics very easily. And I believe then, he likes to call me 'xiao di di' (In Chinese. In English: little brother in a neutral speech) which really makes me feel like so well taken care of and young. And after that, we took a slow stroll and he says, 'do you want to sit down and have some drinks?' I said yes... And he won't need to ask any further and he just brought me to some really cosy nice shop, called Nines Cafe and we entered. The decors and siting all looks very cosy and warm feeling. Makes anyone that enters feels like 'make yourself at home' kind.

And we seated. For all I could remember, is next to a glass panel which is near to the shop's neon lighting sign board. It all feels very nice and we ordered drinks. And after that, not long after that, the drinks came. And minutes after that, he told me his godbro want to join us for a few moments as his godbro happens to be wanting to visit there that moment. The time has also slowly drifted off. The shop is about to close as we paid for the drinks and strolled to MRT and make our way home. From just the trip, he doesn't let me pay a single cent for anything, rejecting all kinds of repayments. And as we were on our trains travelling back home, we smsed. Asking for feedbacks, asking about my time if when will I be free and next time want to bring me along to his friends gathering, etc etc. And I agreed...

There is also an instance which embarked in my weak memory is this very time that we met up in a fine fine day and planned to watch movie. We were walking and walking and chatted, we could practically chat about anything, and apparently so, he likes new age stuffs as well, eg. Astrology, Tarot, Dowsing, etc. and I expressed interest in these as well you see. And until one traffic light when we were waiting, comes a pretty shocking part, I received a sms.. I believe then I was using an obsolete clam phone by now. And as I take up my phone and look into it, it was from Victor. My heart did raced awhile, but rather, my mind was all puzzled as I didn't contact him a lot, but just with casual sms greetings.

And comes a second and third, and then Irvine starts to poke and sees the sms and ask whose that.. As always, nothing to hide, and I just say it was from Victor of course. And for the next 20-30minutes of the topics turned to Victor then on. Irvine starts to explain that he already knew Victor sometime ago during work and that he wasn't on very good terms with him. And since he claimed that they once worked together before, of course the next thing anyone would ask would be, so how was he like, or tell me more about him, or anything similar.. Right? Or so I did. Shall not go deeper into what did Irvine say, but just basically ask me to see for myself and keep my eyes open. And then I tried probing more a little bit and then we stopped the topic and reached the place, watched movie. Can't really figure out what movie was that now...

A few nice memories got me remembered that I caught 'Crying out Love, in the center of the World' and Wet Dreams 2 and a few more other nice movies with Irvine.. Irvine did make a very good movie critics and was a very good movie kaki to go movie with then. And is one of my most frequent hobbies I like to do from time to time. Those were the time when things are just purest and sweetest with no intentions to think of and nothing to worry or care about. And Victor on the other hand, hold a part of the turning key to what I had then.. And The part that Irvine wants to date me is somewhere during this sweet little July till my birthday, one of the very very fine day. TBC (To Be Continued)...

Happy Birthday Shahul korkor

Wow, time really flies I tell you. The birthday of Shahul is once again here.. During this day or around this corner, in fact is rarely seen as the best time of the year. And to be more specific, marks the most busy time of the year. The very time when all students in Singapore gets all fired up and mug for the exam, 'O' Levels, 'A' Levels, Polytechnics, Universities, etc. And those that's not studying, are probably working real hard to get things huge loads done on time so as not to work Over-Time. I and Shahul and the rest ain't spared as well... But nonetheless, we celebrated.

I got to say that, this is Shahul's first ever time to celebrate his birthday 'decently' just in case you don't know (yeah, poor Shahul korkor). The day just seems ever so resilient to stay and marks his birthday without giving it the means of celebrating just so by the academic system. Maybe this is what people use to say 'someone always got to sacrifice'. But then again, people born during this period are people of substance and power.. And probably someone influential as well I believe. Shahul is one good example. Can't imagine if Shahul is a Rainbow activist or Political figure of some country... *shivers*

Anyway, this day is a very calm and cool day. I spent my time mugging on my available resources and Shahul, spending time with his (biological) sister who born of the same day, one year after his. Oh, by the way, I'm the first to greet Shahul korkor 'Happy Birthday' (12.00MN) hehee.. And had a short meet up at my void deck in the night. So sweet to get to spend even a tiny-winy bit of time with him before he make his way back. But seriously, the relationship Shahul had really tolled on his energy and his charisma. Feels really sad that this gotta happen this year. Anyway, 2008 was never a year I looked forward for I suppose (but 2010 is...) I think I shall mark it as the Top 10 worst year ever.

Oh, korkor got me a Double Cheese Burger from Mac Donald's thinking I'll go hungry over the night. Isn't that sweet? How sweet can a person get... =) Hmm.. that's one of my favorite fast foods' food by the way. Yummy.. Something I left out, and minutes before Shahul met up with me was Patrick. And got me some cakes for the night as well.. So sweet also. I always got the fate to meet up with all the sweetest people on Earth and never got much problem with knowing people.. But it just don't seems to be the case with others. Hahaa.. How cute the World can get huh. Really been well pampered lately.. can't get too comfy and start to get all lazy now :)

And now, I gotta stick my notes up my face and get ready for my Econs paper tommorrow. Cheer for me okay~ Wish me luck and sleep for me. Wow, seeing myself growing eye bags for the very first time.. Gotta start learning how to take better care of my face and eyes le. Edios!

Gay marriage hangs in the balance

This is one of the Trevvy Scoops that caught my attention to further discuss about this,

“In the minds of many people, Proposition 8 is the most important thing nationally on the ballot,” said Tony Perkins, president of the Washington-based Family Research Council, which supports the measure. “We have survived bad presidents. But many, many are convinced we will not survive this redefinition of marriage.”

Four years ago, Massachusetts became the first state to have gay marriage legalized by its state's Supreme Court. On 15 May this year, California Supreme Court legalized marriage between same-sex couples in San Francisco, Calif. This made California the second state to legalize unions between gay and lesbian couples.

This new ruling set off a rush by gay and lesbian couples to seek legal recognition for their unions, which triggered the expensive battle on Proposition 8.

Religious and civil rights groups, wealthy philanthropists and middle-class donors have poured US$69 million into campaigns for and against Proposition 8. It is described by John Duran, a West Hollywood City Council member and fundraiser for opponents of Proposition 8, to be “the most expensive cultural war in America, ever.”

Proposition 8, which eliminates right of same-sex couples to marry would change California's constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman, was put on the ballot after the ban on gay marriage in California was overturned.

Just one week before the election, campaign finance records show contributions totaling more than US$60 million.“It's a staggering amount,” said Matt Coles, director of the LGBT Project at the American Civil Liberties Union, which opposes the ban. Coles goes on and says that “California is a cultural trendsetter. If voters decide same-sex couples can marry, it has an enormous influence.”

A member from an evangelical group, The Call, emphasizes on the significance of Proposition 8 in California. “As California goes, so goes the whole nation. And in many ways, California is a leadership state for not just America but the whole world.”

It is undoubted that Proposition 8 is important as even presidential candidates revealed their differing stances. Senator John McCain endorsed it and Senator Barack Obama opposed it.

The opponent campaign, “No On 8”, has garnered tremendous support from major companies such as Apple Computers, the founders of Google, Yahoo, Adobe Systems and Levi Strauss & Co.

High-profile celebrities such as Barbara Streisand, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Bridget Fonda, Melissa Etheridge, Mary J Blige, Brad Pitt and Ellen DeGeneres have stepped out to show their support for "No On 8", helping with fundraising and creating awareness.

Influential political figures such as Bill Clinton and Senator Dianne Feinstein have also lent their voices to “No On 8”.

In a telephone call to California voters, Bill Clinton delivered a message regarding the unfairness of Proposition 8. “If I know one thing about California, I know that is not what you're about. That is not what America is about. Please vote NO on 8. It's unfair and it's wrong. Thank you.”

Senator Dianne Feinstein spoke directly to voters on a new television spot on the NO on Prop 8 campaign, telling Californians “Proposition 8 would be a terrible mistake for California. It’s about discrimination and we must always say NO to that.”

Proponents of Proposition 8 set out to oppose same-sex marriages with a massive campaign, “Yes On 8”, which organizes television ads and fundraising. Sonja Eddings Brown, spokeswoman for the “Yes On 8” campaign says that “the impact of Proposition 8 is going to set a precedent for the United States of America.”

“Yes On 8” warned in their Ads that schoolchildren “will be taught about gay marriage unless we vote yes on Prop 8.” This prompts “No On 8” to respond with commercials featuring California's top educator, Superintendent Jack O'Connell.

“Our schools aren't required to teach anything about marriage, and using kids to lie about that is shameful,” says O'Connell. While there are 2 distinct parties on Proposition 8, there is also a group of people who is conflicted. “They don't like gay marriage, but they don't like taking something away from other people,” says Matt Cole.

A University of California psychology professor, Greg Herek, who specializes in research on sexual orientation, said as a group, blacks, even those who support gay rights, tend to oppose same-sex marriage.

Herek, who opposes the ban, comments that “It's true the African Americans may turn out to vote against Proposition 8, but the younger may be more supportive of gay marriage.”

Joe Solmonese, president of the Human Rights Campaign says that “A setback for same-sex marriage in California would deprive the gay rights movement of the opportunity to show mainstream America what happens when gay couples can marry.”

Nonetheless, the fight continues as polls show that the race for the proposition is tight. Both parties, “No On 8” and “Yes On 8”, each believe that their victory is extremely crucial to shape public attitudes about same-sex marriage in the US under the next administration.

Updates: California voters have approved a constitutional amendment outlawing same-sex marriage. This overturns the California Supreme Court's decision that gave gay couples the right to wed on 15 May 2008. Proposition 8 led by a 52%-48% margin.
(Team Trevvy, Trevvy.com, 3 Nov 2008)

What's really gotten into these people's head.. Sighz. They did mention that California is a cultural trendsetter, which means the whole Country's cultural changes must first be experienced by California before the rest of the other states gets affected and change. How interesting. By the way, I ain't towards activist, but just that anything that steps on my tail or influences my future, I believes that I shall be given my share of influencing it the way I prefer. And thus my discussion.

In the whole article, we can see that Proposition 8 is a California state ballot proposition on over-riding the decision that recognize same-sex marriage as fundamentally right. Proponents of Proposition 8 are Senator John McCain, Senator Tom McClintock, Superintendent Jack O'Connell, California's top educator.

Opponents of Proposition 8 are Matt Coles, director of LGBT Project of American Civil Liberties Union, Senator Barack Obama, Apple Computers, the founders of Google, Yahoo, Adobe Systems, Levis Strauss & Co., Barbara Streisand, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Bridget Fonda, Melissa Etheridge, Mary J Blige, Brad Pitt, Ellen DeGeneres, Bill Clinton, Senator Dianne Feinstein and Greg Herek, a psychology professor.

Wow.. Interesting right?! Alot of involvement indeed, and with what I can see, there seems to have enormous support from the society to go against Proposition 8 and lesser agrees to it. I'm sure the situation sounds more stickier to know that those conventional and traditional believers of religions are on the for Proposition 8. Noting that this is described as "the most expensive cultural war in America, ever." And I tried and search for the result of voting, guess what? (drum rolls... ...)

With the info from Wikipedia, 52.2% voted Yes and 47.8% voted No. Guess the people gotta work harder next time.. But what I truely believes is that, sometimes the reason why thing shows the otherwise is due to undue distress and undue influence. Always believe that ignorance is around to strike on people's fear, people are always more selfish and choose a "wrong" but peaceful life than "right" but rocky life. "Right" and "Wrong" are just social application passing of judgement with more focus on moral and reasoning I hope, but to achieve this is just an idealistic concept which can never be achieved that is to say. That's why such things are often also known as Ideologies.

'Hero' by Mariah Carey

There's a hero if you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are.
There's an answer if you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you.

It's a long road when you face the world alone;
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold.
You can find love if you search within your self
And the emptiness you felt will disappear.

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you.

Oh....Lord knows dreams are hard to follow,
But don't let anyone tear them away.
Just Hold on, there will be tomorrow,
In time you'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive.

So, when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in ... you
Mmmm that a hero lies in.....you.
(Sing365.com, 8 Nov 2008)

This song is a singles in 1993.. I find the song lyrics very beautiful, and simple. I wish the song can give encouragement to the downs, give hope to the loss and be strong. Everybody needs to find reassurance at times, let this piece of song lay a guiding light on your way and feel welcomed. Enjoy the song =)

The only time when I won't sleep for the night is when...

... I gonna sit for my paper in only few hours time. Not much about anxious, but lots about how little sleep I get and how tired my eyes are. So much to see, read and find out.. so little time to do it. And worse of all, I haven't even take the initiative to find out how to get to my examination venue. Apparently I thought my examination should be at where I go and attend classes.. Wrong assumption. Checking from my resources, I gotta go RELC Building to take my paper. RELC Building.. duh.. never heard before. As a well-known directionless and knows nothing about road-location fool, I don't know lah..

Spent 30minutes doing route planning and time allocations, I planned to leave home at 11am when my paper is at 2pm.. too important to miss. Got back to my study after that. You know how do I study for exams when I gotta make myself stay up for productive hours? LOL (Laugh Out Loud), let me share with you one of my last year adopted effective trick, Time Ratio Management. For me I like to look at hour slots of 6hours, you could try 12hours though, but always remember the longer a time slot is, the easier you feel demotivated. Meaning how much hour do I think I can study non-stop in 6hours? For a more relaxed pace, I would think 1:1 is good, and in 6hours would means study for 3hours and rest for 3hours.. And that made up one time slot.

For me, a more intensive plan would be 1:5 (studying for 5hours and rest for 1hour). Of course, I didn't see a need to do that for this paper.. I choose 1:2 (default ratio). And so, accordingly, I spent 4hours studying and 2hours resting. So, you learned something new about keeping yourself awake for mugging culture >_= But try not to do it for too many days, apparently human motivation have higher upkeep as this method is used for too long a time. Any backfire email me, so that I'll avoid it happening. But until now that I used it for a year plus and nothing unexpected happened to me yet.

And for this time, my mind ain't as calm as my previous years of mugging experience. I guess the X in the Universe is trying to create interesting things in my boring situation of mugging. Both suspicious and sweet, this un-calmness is like fire or even double-edged sword. If things are not under proper control, may get out of hand.. And a bit restless after hours of studying even though the memorization flow is not very effective. And one thing very sad about me mugging, is that I cannot listen to song or music. Somehow it helps my mind to relieve tension and relax mind processing information at the same time and cause information leak thereafter.

Really looking forward for the paper and the gathering after that. And not to mention: the nice, warm and cosy bed I get to sleep after hours of intensive study and sleepless night. Gotta mug for now, cheer me on... hugs and kisses.

One Accounting Module Paper.. Coming up

Time to set my mind right and start something decent and proper, something which probably the norm of Singapore studying culture, mugging for examinations. Apparently from what Shahul korkor emphasized to me, foreign academic culture doesn't practice mugging as much as Singapore. Well, if mugging is what I need, mugging is what I get. I did plan to get well for my exam results you know... But of course, I do balance the result with my effort in preparing for the exam, so examination result is a good reflection of my effort for the paper. And so, I never fear examinations (for the wrong reason)...

Examination falls on Friday and Tuesday is still not too bad. A good distance away from the exam to make a difference in myself and my performance in the exam. They do have a weird way of grade classification I tell you.. here's how my module's grade classification is in real:

• HD (High Distinction) score falls between 80-100
• D (Distinction) score falls between 70-79
• C (Credit) score falls between 60-69
• P (Pass) score falls between 50-59
• N (don't know call what) score falls between 0-49
• XN generally means no work assessed

And guess what, I plan to go for minimum of D and possiblity of HD.. Good news, I am ambitious with my grades.. Bad news, I can be pretty hard on myself if I didn't get it. Oh well, but I am pretty confident with my ability on my Accounting modules generally, afterall, the knowledge of Accounting revolves all around either Accountants or Auditors (and similar operational nature). For a minute, I regretted not taking 4 modules this semester, really gotta clear my modules in the fastest and not overpowered effort.

For this paper, I have prepared 5 sets of past year papers on the same module and plan to look through their logical and acceptable method of dealing with the questions which have possibility to come out. Topics picking is very tempting but can be pretty subjective at times, guess I gonna try the Trend Question Setting method and Marks Allocation on Topic Focus method for this paper. Not gonna try and stay up too late... Wish me tons of luck, okay~

Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love

Contemplating on my past gay experiences and relationships, I decide to bring up the courage and pen it down. And I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm sure documenting it down is the best way to be previewed by people who cares to know (whether out of concern or paparazzi-ing is not my concern). The reason why I'm doing this is to unfold what usually ain't, and for a greater purpose, I just hope people won't make the same mistakes that I had. Before I start, Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

Brief Introduction: Stepping into this (Gay) circle, I was almost finishing my Secondary School education somewhere after my first GCE 'O' Levels and my second attempt. My first exposure was during 2003 Christmas celebration with Timothy korkor and his boyfriend, it was a club. I wasn't really into clubbing directly after that, don't even know what's the purpose of clubbing or why are those clubbers so enjoying in club. Subsequently, SG Boy came into the picture and getting to know more friends.. and Gary introduced me clubbing-can-be-fun. 2003 near end-of-year enlisted and 2004 started regular clubbing. And the story starts,

I got to know of this very unique looking guy taking picture of one of the regular nights 'Drag Show' during one of my usual nights at Why Not bar and club. Apparently, popular, yet didn't seen him around before. Not popular in the sense people is all over him, but popular in the sense that he tends to have always have someone to talk to from corners of the club. Nice height, long neat hair, average built, and usually a very stunning smile (to me). Seemingly very sociable and what captures my eyes are how serious he was when he was taking those pictures.

Nothing done, but just stealing glances (not drooling, oging nor whispering to friends about him). Feeling wasn't affected at all, don't even know what should I feel about such scenerio. How should gay even feel about one another?! I don't know.. Finished clubbing usually around 4am and a routine to sit down at Maxwell Market, drinking Iced Milk Tea or Pokka Green Tea and ordering Mini Wok Noodles. Chit chat, talked and goosips.. That seems to be pretty familiar with any one of you out there. I was one of the kind that bitches whenever someone talk to me about silly stuffs.

And goosh, here the guy that catches my attention appeared. Walking in Maxwell Market like grocery shopping in NTUC or park strolling.. from tables to tables he visited and a usual greetings around was a hug and peck on the cheeks. In the late 5am hour, we usually would make our way to somewhere to sit down and wait for the first train's timing before hitting the train go home and rest. He camed. 'Hi, I'm Victor..' and me, with a slight smile, 'I'm James'. And we just hang around with the other guys there, and me, silenced seated down and he talking with someone he just got to knew, Joash and Sabrina.

Eventually, we all boarded the trains, all heading East, North and North-East boarded the East-bound train and heading West, North-West, boarded the West-bound train. After Jurong East, the only people left is I and Victor. As we didn't spoke much earlier, he start hitting conversation with me. Arriving at the last station, I sent him to the bus interchange and we carry on chatted, even until he reached the bus boarding berth.. And he missed 4-5 buses just as we chatted standing there.. exchanged numbers.. and soon, he decided we should chat other day and he boarded the next one, afterwhich I make my way home and knock out on bed.

The next thing that happened to my life was my 19th Birthday. Celebrated with Timothy korkor (same day birthday) at East Coast Park doing Barbecue for it. Meanwhile, I and Irvine are seeing each other (Irvine was interested in me for about few months before this). As my friends last minute can't turn out for the thing, I thought of Victor (wasn't invited at first due to last minute), texted him if he is interested to turn up for my birthday celebration.. without hesitation he said yes, even when he got to make his way to Tantric bar later in the night. I was pretty happy that he's coming. Came the evening draws closer by minutes as I helped out with the stuffs, after Victor arrives, he seems to help me out pretty well and all agreed that I should take care of the attendance and less of the barbecue stuffs. So, I took it.

I was observing the situation and he seems to click very easily with crowds he hardly know. Soon gather.. soon cut the cake.. soon Victor gotta leave and I walked him to the taxi. An unforgettable night it was. Jia Jun was drunk, Muk was with YX, Jerald, Nelson and Kent was busy chatting around, and Irvine starts introducing me several way to drink liquor, eg. Screwdriver. And hit the club in the later night.. Nice planning right? Night went smoothly, and enjoyed it so much. TBC (To Be Continued)...