Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.
As previously, we stopped at
A little introduction about this guy Benji: He is the kind of everyday guy whom you see on the streets, not eye-catching at all, neither is he the kind of people's guy. It is very easy to missed him, if you don't even know him. His presence is like a breeze, for a moment you may mark him around, the next moment you may have forgotten about him being around. He don't socialize as much, neither does he the kind of guy who you would like to socialize with. If you have slightly more fate with him, you may ended up with him speaking of more then enough conversation in your whole life, if not, you wouldn't even bother but to just sustain a few 'hi's and 'have a great day'. A workaholic that doesn't really have the kind of measures as to what he can expect before things happen, but he sure is one big fan of determination and endurance.
This was the kind of guy I was with back then. This guy was very enthusiastic about me right from the start, and one of the reason that I wasn't really into him is that he is one of my pioneer friend's god brother and my friend is Jerald. A few more other implications such as he initially gave a lot of good impression that I really think doesn't last long, for instance, being so tolerable, and caring, etc. I mean, you will only care the person who mean whole lot of things to you and because you love him, so you do this for him, but later on in life, this "thing" that he upheld for you would only tire him off and give up on you, slowly by slowly, bits by bits.
He is a (seriously speaking from what I feel) "no life" person. He usually doesn't have much friends, and would wish to be with me almost 24/7 and ask of me to SMS him day-in day-out. And the way he loves are just disastrous, he loves with so much passion, that if he doesn't have passion anymore for the person, he will leave. This was the kind of guy I was with for two long years by the way. The initial flight was not good at all, mainly I was the contributor I believe. I wasn't into love and I was way more practical then now. He usually would be more enthusiastic than me when it comes to Valentines day and Birthdays and Christmases.
And I, on the other hand, I would be more concern with my Family: Anson, Shahul, Irwan, Lloyd, Derek, just to name a few. That is also in my terms by the way, that I would show more concern and care for my friends and Family compared to him, mainly because he is only satisfying one part of my life, and these other components are satisfying other parts of my life that affects me more than he do. I understood this from what I feel I do:
Love would only leave a person heart broken, but friends and families are their to mend it with there presence and position; Love demand resources, but friends and families request for resources; Love is selfish, but friends and families are generous.And so I was. And a tragedy was slowly growing ever since the night of my attachment, awaiting to explode one day. How? Why? Where shall I start? Okay, here it goes. I was deeply attracted to for a guy called Elvis. Who found to be deeply fond of me and be ever-so unconditional to love me and wants to be with me only to be found out after I was just attached the very day. He came to me, telling me how much he regretted not to voice out and let me know even before I was attached and still wished to have the chance of loving me, taking care of me. How about this? A little triangle relationship eh?
I was indecisive and loss, someone that just got to know me of less then two weeks or so and yet fell deeply for me so much so that even after knowing that I was attached still wished for my hands. On one thought, he is so unlike Benji, he is somewhat similar to me, so socialite and involved, emotional and passionate (just that I learned my limits), a very love-creature and knows how to handle situations and people. But on the other hand, he is also very similar to me on other ways, such as domineering if I have to, and persuasive if needed. And as I would also look into Astrology for guidance, it is a known fact that two Leos are hard to last. I am one, and unfortunately, Elvis is too.
To prevent hurting Elvis too hard, I being an indecisive and draggy person, choose to let Elvis stayed by my side as a friend whom loved me. Be around me just as I shower my attention to my friends, and hopefully Elvis finds someone he loved more then me, and that will be the time I give him my blessing and stays as just merely a normal friend and nothing more. Elvis and Benji each are battling for my attention and usually, Elvis would be the one to lose out, since Benji is my boyfriend in official. Elvis as of my character, tolerates and gives in. Just as Benji tolerates and gives in of Elvis staying around me. Uneasiness are only a term felt by both parties and I don't. For me, I expects and proactively reacts to situation I foresees, thus don't wish to dwell on things that I can't change.
I grew closer to Elvis due to a few facts, such as Elvis stays nearer to me and he drives, and also the facts that Elvis are more appealling and less awkward, and things seems brighter on Elvis side for a moment. We share lots of interests as well, unlike Benji. This is also one boring fact about Benji, is that, he doesn't really do things. All he do is stays at home and uses internet and nothing else seriously. When outside, he would stick to movies and meals and nothing else we could really do. Elvis have my experimentalistic character, we like to try and like to learn. We develops the kind of liking for stuffs and activities so fast, that proximity became imbalance, this is then I realise things have changed.
The kind of DVD we rented and watched together, go snacking and sharing of gay reading materials, and talking, sharing, so much so much, all was so vulnerable over a person's greed in getting what he wants, Me. Good times doesn't take long to be dusted and archive, Elvis became strangely and scaringly scheming. And jealousy is beyond overfilling and exploding... I left Elvis to shatter and torn. Elvis learned that Benji was not welcomed by the Family initially and is just a mere figure that existed because I am in the Family. Elvis learned that Benji has not much speaking power and has noone close enough to enhance his status as more than just my boyfriend. And knowledge grew to became power, just as words grew to became swords and daggers. He took his chance.
Elvis understand that since Benji doesn't really stands firmly more than just being my boyfriend, he stands more chance. Utilising the most contemporary tactic, peer pressure, he planned his way to achievement. Outings are never just about me if you have guessed, its usually about
us and this us is referring to my Family. Segregation of Family from me and him appears more obvious then ever, in every step to make him feeling uneasy and weird, unwelcome and not related. I felt it back then, and I can still remember the kind of staggering awkwardness, it is too much that I can't choose to ignore. But then again, that is altogether another story to be told. TBC (To Be Continued)...
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