Something about Me, Something about Gay and Something about Love XI

Disclaimer: All Rights Reserved, avoid further reading if HOMOPHOBIC. Emphasis that there might have contents not suited for the eyes of 21 and below. The events depicted in this blog entry is fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

As previously, we stopped at

And this is when problems arise, when things changes, that when things that used to be done just stopped getting done. I detests something like that. And for that, I have more reasons to learn to be more independent. So that it would not add excessive weightage to the partner, and more importantly to the love, at the end of the day. And I finally learned that I do not appreciate short-term showing of love and care, I appreciate consistency of love and care. And my night (or day) for that day ended so.

Getting busy with my things from time to time just makes my day so relaxed and easy. Well, but since Elvis confessions, my mind has been overworked. Logical me doesn't always produce reasons and doesn't always have an answer. When under-pressure, my mind ticked just the way wheels and axles do. Work endlessly, but not smartly. One side was someone whom doesn't have charisma, doesn't know how to do things, react to things and present himself, but love me and give me a lot of attention so much so that I was never alone.

And the other, someone I felt so close to, so individual and so comfortable speaking to, hearing from and be with, that loves me but isn't someone I am with. But only comes out after I am attached, and wants my attention and most of all, be with me. By not regretting the decisions I had made, I thought, probably Elvis would learn that it is impossible to be with me and love me like couples do and would eventually fall back on someone who loves him more than his love for me and fall for the guy.

And for me, I thought, as for Benji, I loved him not because of his looks nor his ability to love, but for the fact that he is completely sincere and was so fully contributive to the relationship, I should give him more chances to pull both of us closer as boyfriend. A lot of things I could have easily done with my capabilities and ability, but thought would be nice to let my partner do it for me. And for this, we would grow to live and behave like what couples would, and learn of each other ways in the time to come.

Elvis did not chose let go eventually, it grew in him to be even more hopeful then ever to be with me in hoping Benji and I would break off. Some situation I personally would label it as possession over love. This, this, this thing called hopeful was the lesser evil that kept Elvis motivated on the idea of being with me. And it did. And it all seemed so clear after we had a confrontation later in September. What was I thinking and what was his stand was all in a mess.. And Elvis grew to suffer, and I grew more and more used to the feeling of suffer.

If you were thinking how to see the worst side of human character, probably this would be one of the most prominent way. To see how people dig their own grave and stand in their own stake of interest, and feel for themselves thinking that 'look, you are wrong, this should be the way!' After that, I went into silence. Don't see any point in arguing. Don't see any meaning in defending anymore. It was all seen and felt that way, the way that it shouldn't be, but it did.

In the same month days and days later, one day out of the blues, I woke up from the flustering phoning conversation I heard from the living room, it's my mother. Trying to jot down contacts and numbers and locations and dates and calling people, etc. I crawled out of my bed like always. And to my shock, my grandmother has passed away... she was my mother's mother who was living in Malaysia back then. With us not having by her side, and now that she was at her death bed, no wonder my mum panicked that badly.

I was in a state of blankness. Didn't know what to do, neither do I know what I could do. But one thing for sure, we must all get ready to make a trip down to Malaysia in the short period after gotten to know the news. SMSed Elvis saying that I won't be in Singapore for days which I didn't know the length as well, neither do I know which day and time exactly do my family make the trip down. And in the midst of all uncertainty, Elvis extended his help saying why not he drive us there..

In the request, two things crossed my mind, first, my family was having a hard time now, why do he want to make my family felt bad for something extra. And second was that, I SMSed is to inform, not to request for aid. Arrangements were best made by my parents, example, how to get down, when to get down, etc. And on top of that, who is this Elvis guy who should drive us there? But nonetheless, deeply, I would appreciate the thoughts, but nothing more. Of course, a lot of other things crossed my mind back then, and things such as how doting my grandmother was when she was around me.

... Harsh it was, situational wise as well as behaviour wise. I was clamed just like a sandwich people would say. Neither I nor Elvis stepped back, we all just remained as where we stood. But love don't just develope and go away. It stays and lingers and sometimes even evolve into something stronger. Especially when there's still visible ray of light somewhere shining in someone's direction, hope of getting it is just thought to be not so far from reach, but yet not so near as touched as well. TBC (To Be Continued)...